It used to take me a long time to accept each stage of MS. Each relapse and each steroid treatment it would take time for my head to get on straight to get better. People use to tell me I was so brave but the truth is, I wasn’t, I was in denial. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening to the outside world. To my immediate family, especially my mom, I cried and complained often. They heard it all. I used them as my venting post for many years.
I think things came together at the right time. My true disabling relapse happened in 2014. I was still working but was fighting to get approval to work from home part time. Luckily for me I was good at my job and I got to work 2 days a week from home and 3 days at work. Even with this schedule it was extremely difficult for me to work.
This was the beginning of me accepting MS and I didn’t even realize it. I was already using my portable scooter to get around at work and I was given a walker that I was using in my home. These two steps were huge for me accepting modifications to get around. Especially in public. I knew my time working was coming to a quick end and I needed a plan. I needed to accept what I knew was happening. My doctor forced me to at an appointment in January of 2016.
I had a lot of time on my hand and needed time to heal from things gone wrong in my personal life. I began working on me. I started down a spiritual path that has completely changed the way I look at the world but more how I look at my disease. I started my blog which became my online therapy as well as resource to learn more about multiple sclerosis than I learned in the first 17 years of having the disease. I began to welcome the devices that would help make my life easier life easier like my handicap van and my electric wheelchair. I stopped worrying about the what if’s and stayed in a present state of mind. I stopped worrying about what the outside world would think because I realized it was only me and my own thoughts that thought anyone cared. People are more gracious and kind than I realized.
I use to try to hide my MS until I couldn’t hide it anymore. Than I was embarrassed to show myself out and about with any walking aid that helped me. I was living in denial and making my life more difficult for so long for no reason. Now I come out of my handicap van on my wheelchair with a big smile on my face. There is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of just wish it didn’t take me years to learn that.