My Head on Straight

My Head on Straight

Good morning world. I am loving the cooler weather with the sunshine shining. I might have a small whiff of fall in the air. I’m ready. I took the entire week off from exercise. I am fine but those booster shots definitely knocked me for a loop. I’m glad I did both the Covid and flu together. I’m more happy to know they’re done for a while. I just looked at my calendar for October, my Rituxan infusion order starts again. That in itself takes a few weeks so I need to get it going before I’m even due for my infusion. I can’t believe it is six months already. It feels like it took me so long to get my infusion started this year after the hospital. I think so much of this year has been a blur. I first entered the hospital December 30, 2021. My last hospital day was March 5, 2022. That wasn’t one continuous stay but it was enough. It is September already. I feel like I just celebrated my 50th birthday. In two months I’m 51. It’s like I lost a year.

That’s really how I feel about this year. So much has changed for me, disability wise. It isn’t like I never thought one day I’d be in this condition with multiple sclerosis. It is that I got a fast forward to be in this condition. It is that I actually had to work so hard for months to reach this “better” level of disability. It is that I was bed bound when I got out of the hospital and I have dramatically improved. I have had tremendous improvements but at the same time I lost so much of my independence. I’m supposed to be proud of my accomplishments but I have still lost so much that I was able to do as of December 29, 2021, before this all happened. I had to accept the new me which wasn’t easy. I have to be honest if it wasn’t for the strength of my family behind me, it could have been a very different story. I am always grateful for my family, always.

I have to appreciate one other person, my life coach. I stopped talking to her a few years back but she has been talking to my daughter for years. I personally felt grounded for a long time. When all this happened, I knew I needed my head on straight. I needed to find my own strength again. To do that I needed my life coach. I needed to recheck on my spiritual journey and beliefs. This disability set back made it easy to doubt. Why me was a frequent thought but the wrong question I was asking. I had to believe in myself, the universe and fate once again. I don’t look at multiple sclerosis as a punishment. If I do, I become a victim as if I did something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong that gave me a disease. I have a disease for some reason to teach, learn or understand something I needed to understand. I don’t know. I know that whatever the reason, it isn’t because I did something bad. I needed to remember that and my life coach was instrumental to helping me.

It was how I gained strength to fight once again. I do miss my independence I had prior to all of this. I can’t say that I am thrilled with my new normal. I keep working because I try to have small victories that give me some independence. I’ve got my attitude in the right place which is the most important part. You can’t handle any chronic disease with the wrong attitude. I just want to thank my family for always being in my corner. I couldn’t do this without them. I also have to thank my life coach for my spiritual setting. I always have to thank my blog readers because you have all listened and supported me through this crazy year.

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