in my defenselessness my safety lies is a huge lesson in a course of miracles and it is one of my most difficult to remember and work. I’m a Scorpio I’m filled with passion and rage and heart.  I jump to defend myself or my past and then when I remember the lesson I get upset.  It happened to me yesterday I defended the past relationships and the more I felt the relationship was being attacked the more I defended it.  By the end I was crying. Why? It was important that others know I wasn’t a fool and no matter what happened or how, it was real.  Now here is really where a course of miracles steps in.  Who cares what others thought? The ego cares. I know in my heart the truth in that relationship it doesn’t need to be defended but the ego is what steps in and takes over.  The ego mind doesn’t see love it sees fear and in this situation it saw fear of another’s perception.  The defenselessness is when you don’t need to defend yourself because you aren’t letting the ego call the shots. When you are defenseless you come from a place of love and know the truth.  If someone says “you’re a bitch” (or a dick or an asshole), most of us have the same reaction which is usually F-you.  In your true heart you know your not a bitch but your ego jumps in and defends you.  What if you didn’t say anything in return?  What if you remained utterly defenseless, where would the fight or argument go? That’s the key of the lesson here you don’t need to defend, defending just leads to attack and judgement and anger.  Come from the place of love.  If yesterday I just stopped talking never defended my past relationship, maybe I wouldn’t have ended up crying over something that really didn’t even matter anymore.

I was always told I had to have the last word especially in an argument   When I first read this lesson it spoke to me because it is something I do in all my arguments and in most things I do.  My sister has said to me a hundred times, “you don’t have to sell me”. I defend myself on everything from things I purchase to things I say and do.  I defend against the smallest of things.  In all areas of my life this one will be the hardest for me to overcome.  On top of overcoming it, I need to forgive myself when I do it because I’m human and have been defending myself for 44 years it takes time to stop.  Yesterday my tears were in frustration that I still felt the need to defend that relationship. I literally shut down and meditated as soon as the tears started falling.  I needed to regroup.  Part of my process of change is changing my reaction to things. It’s slow this lesson but I still continue on.  I’ll leave you with this poem sent to me by my sister when I started my journey.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

– Portia Nelson