You need to go through the darkness to find the light. We need to suffer or be sad to come out stronger. I needed to hit rock bottom to start my spiritual journey.  Let me tell you this journey isn’t a smooth one by any means. You aren’t just trying to change your thought process, you’re learning how to think.  I’m forgiving people who never said sorry.  I’m looking inside and seeing things I’ve done wrong that are ugly.   That’s been the hardest part. Seeing and being honest about your parts in a situation that went bad. No matter who did the majority of the wrong taking ownership in YOUR part to any situation is where you need to focus. You are not playing victim the past is done  you are looking inward to recognize what is your fault, what can you improve on.  Healing isn’t a stage of “but I only reacted to what they did to me.” When things go wrong it’s not about pointing the finger to the person you can’t control it pointing inward to the one you can. I had to do this when I looked at my last relationship. What part was my failure? Didn’t like what I learned.

I always thought I was a good person for the majority of the time.  I felt I was loving and giving, generous and trusting.  I thought these things were enough. I thought the more I could give the more you’d love me.  Stuff=love.  The problem with my thought process is I’d give, give, give and the other would take, take, take and then I turned resentful for a situation I fully created. My resentment would turn to anger at times or even just meanness. Then I’d used the stuff that I gave, gave, gave over their head like a hostage…if you don’t do what I want I won’t buy this for you. I also took things away like pulling the carpet out from under their feet because I was angry or hurt.  I threw them out of the house with no where to go.  Doesn’t sound like a very good and loving person to me.  I became a monster in my own skin.  A version of myself that I look back at today and shake my head flabbergasted “who was that girl”? I was awful on many levels. How could that relationship survive? How did that relationship make it even as long as it did? I  I’d love to say that in my journey I learned quickly and never repeated my horrific actions again, but I can’t. I pulled the rug one more time on him after it was over out of anger and spite. My ego totally had it 100% justified and I did it so fast no enlightened spirit was getting in to block that one. I knew within minutes how wrong it was but the damage was done. I was in my journey enough to recognized immediately the ego taking over but not strong enough to stop it from happening.  I needed to stop and let my spirit guide me not my ego. That I wasn’t able to do.  We’re there other things done wrong in this relationship, yes. We’re there a lot of things done right, yes. The final result and the lesson to be learned is the blame of the past is irrelevant, the relationship is irrelevant, learning about myself from the past to be better in the present pivotal.

Im telling you this because ive mention this relationship in my about me page. I’ve eluded in posts to it but never dedicated a post to it. Yet I had a piece in our demise. I have to claim the ownership to the parts of me that were ugly. I did terrible things too. I need to recognize the part I played because I don’t ever want to do that again to anyone,  I want to be that kind person who is generous and loving because I want to be not because I want to control a relationship. That’s what I was doing it was my way of controlling someone who wasn’t controllable. It is a characteristic I never knew I possessed until I did a hard truthful search inside. It’s time for me to forgive my own mistakes. Forgiving myself is just as hard as forgiving him. Forgiveness is the hardest part for the ego who screams BUT they did this. At the time I didn’t know better, I thought I was 100% justified for my actions. I very well might have been but would I rather be right or happy? That was one of the first questions asked in my readings. I started reading more and the more I read the more the mirror showed my reflection.  I started looking inside and stopped looking outside. What he did doesn’t matter anymore. It is the past. I’m what matters.  I’m what is important and I never want to see this pattern repeat.  That starts with me, my healing and my forgiveness of myself.  This spiritual journey is not an easy road but I’ve been happier on this road then I’ve been in a long time. I’ll take the bumps any day knowing my future has the brightest light waiting for me. I am sorry for my past actions. Some days it doesn’t even come to mind some days I feel guilty. It’s a process. That’s why the journey never ends, it’s a process and a practice, a dedication everyday.  I’ve never worked so hard and never wanted something so bad. I believe 100% in my path and I know all my hopes will come true for myself. I will be happy.