It’s official, my match.com membership ends on May 17. I haven’t been really active on match since November.  The last guy dated started off really good, it was my nine-hour date, the blog about it here https://multipleexperiences.org/2016/10/03/my-9-hour-best-first-date/.  He was a nice guy, but it wasn’t for me.   I put up many blogs about how I don’t want to date. I’m scared to date for a few reasons. It’s a funny feeling because I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to date either. Kind of hard to have both.  I don’t know maybe my ex-boyfriend fuck me up more than I like to admit. Actually, thats probably a big part of it. He messed me up, I messed me up, the dysfunction of the relationship messed me up.  I’m just so scared that I’m gonna pick the wrong guy again. I did it with my first husband, I did it with him.  It’s in my morning affirmations to take away the fear. I’m truly terrified. I’m terrified for two reason.  I’m terrified for the first reason of being hurt, which I think many people are in relationships. My second reason is the multiple sclerosis.

It’s gotten worse and worse over the year and it’s very difficult to meet a guy with this disease. It takes a really good guy to want to see past the multiple sclerosis. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m becoming too closed in my own walls and I’m too scared to be in the world again.  I can’t pretend I’m not.  It’s very difficult when you have a disease because there’s more that goes into dating. There’s the parts of being a girlfriend that symptoms and difficulties have to be explained. The aspects of a girlfriend when it comes to the bedroom which pose a difficult situation for me with multiple sclerosis.   Embarrassing aspects of my daily life that eventually I’ll have to explain to someone. So instead of giving someone a shot, I just don’t do it. Eventually I’ll have an aid, hopefully it’s a nice person, like a companion. Maybe that’s what I need, a companion for when I grow older. Maybe I should look for that instead of a “boyfriend”.

On top of everything, im  still that shy, unpopular, fat girl hoping to be loved by someone. I started realizing how good of a person I am, in this past year, by starting on my spiritual journey. More importantly realizing I don’t need someone to make me happy or to complete me, as pointed out in the movie Jerry Maguire. As far as dating, I surrender my fear everyday to the universe. Today I just wanted to voice my fears again more specifically. I do hope to met someone and fall in love. I think that would be wonderful. I’d like to think that the past sets the present. I thank my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend. If it wasn’t for the love in those relationships, I couldn’t have had the pain, because if I didn’t love them, I would have grieved their end. However, I don’t think my future is on match.com. I don’t think I can do the traditional dating in the online world. I think my love will be a chance meeting. I also think he’ll be more like me fighting his own chronic disease.  So goodbye match.com and plenty of fish…