since my site went down Saturday I wanted to repost this. To me this was a ah ha post worthy of an audience

My new life coach gave me an assignment to come up with 10 feelings and attributes I want my future to have. It sounds funny but let me explain. It’s 10 feelings I want to feel that I either am seen by others as or probably most importantly how I want my life to be lead with. I had the first 5 because 2 are my personal fears and goals in life and the other 3 is what the course in miracles and my other readings teaches. My fear one is financially secure. Something I’ve never truly been. No matter how much money I brought in married or single, my bills always outweighed the income. It was very very stressful as you can imagine. I was using credit cards to pay for items then I couldn’t pay off credit cards etc. It was always a scary thing for me and upsetting. Now I’m on a disability budget which will pay all my bills because for the first time in many years I’m not being buried by deductables and copays. However if you could believe that with all the stress of that it still wasn’t the first thing on my list, that goes to being thin. In my messed up mind my weight still takes the number 1 spot. I have lost and kept off close to 45lbs now for easily 6-7 years. I’ve gone from a size 18 to a size 8 my goal is and always has been a size 4. I have MS and I know that even though I’ve accomplished a lot the last 20lbs that I struggle with mentally, physically and emotionally does make a difference to how my body functions. Carry a 20lb weight around with you everywhere never let it go and see how it feels…my guess is tiring. Now add MS to it…now maybe my analogy doesn’t sound so silly. I’ve been told it’s a ridiculous thought by people and I look good but weight is a mental thing for me, it’s why it’s the #1 spot and why in 6-7 years I still haven’t taken off the last 20lbs. The third one was love. That one was easy it’s what a course in miracles teaches and it’s what you’re true purpose is to love. I’m a believer so for me this was a quick one. Now the last of my first five came quick although they weren’t something that I thought about daily. They are happy and healthy. I want to be happy lead a happy life I’d hope that most people have that goal. Healthy well I have MS there is not a cure so when I think of the word healthy I think I am the best I can be. With MS there are good days and I’ll take those days. The mind is so powerful can it cure my MS? Can I walk without difficulty? With all the things I have tried it can’t hurt to believe in my mind I’m healthy. Sometimes I say it as part of my mantra and I almost feel a buzz running down my legs, get up after and fall. It’s certainly requires more faith than the other feelings on my list but faith to me is easy so I just smile and think it’s getting better everyday.

The first of my five feelings have been part of my morning mantra for a while but I’ve known my assignment was for ten and this morning the last five just flooded my thoughts like they were being said all this time. They were peaceful, grateful and or thankful, thoughtful, compassionate and beautiful. It was almost magical these words because they were so sincerely delivered to my thinking. I want to lead a peaceful existence both internally and externally. That actually has been my goal since starting this journey. Grateful and thankful are interchangeable and most mornings it’s how I’ve learned to start my day by recognizing the wonderful things I have around me not thinking of the things that aren’t. Thoughtful is being aware of my own thinking about other people, about myself about realizing the negative thought patterns. Being thoughtful means being conscious of how you think and how your thoughts affect the world around you. It again is looking inward into your mind to choose the positive thoughts and stay positive and realize to be mindful of the negative. Compassionate…goes right with love. Mankind needs more compassionate people. Life is hard enough and people need a softer approach to life I think the act of compassion is a loving and honest way to be. The last one originally I thought beautiful on a vain in the mirror kind of way but realized it was meant on the inside. I want to be known as a beautiful person inside because these things that I choose these 10 feelings I want to lead my life in makes me ultimately a beautiful person. 10 things I was asked to name. I never thought that they’d really have me spelling out the goals for my life. Even in writing this the 2 superficial ones thin and financially secure are going to shift eventually and I know that. They’ll be replaced with maybe sincere and honest. Whatever they get replaced with I know they won’t be around long because they both have nothing to do with the person I want to become they are a bi-product of that person.

Maybe some of this rings for you maybe you think I’m batty but I think this has been the greatest homework assignment I’ve had in a long time. Certainly was soul searching at its best.