I’m afraid to date.  I’m afraid to be rejected again. I’m afraid to be hurt again. I’m afraid to fall in love again. I’m afraid of the pain. I’m afraid to have to explain the embarrassing MS symptoms again.  I’m afraid of the embarrassment again. I’m afraid of the anxiety again. I’m even afraid of the excitement of it again. I’m afraid of the hope of it again.  I’m afraid of the beginning, the middle, and the end. I’m just really afraid to date again.

I blogged many times about some of my most horrible MS symptoms. How do you explain that to someone you’re dating?  My ex-husband and I were already married, already in love when I got sick.  Even the embarrassment of my disease wasn’t there yet. It was more towards the end of my marriage that a couple of things started. However by then, him and I knew each other so well, back-and-forth, I could tell him anything.   I remember having the first incident with the ex-boyfriend. I think I told him I fell and landed in some excrement of a dog and had to jump in the shower.  He knew though, and he was very supportive. However this was way into the relationship and it wasn’t happening as frequent . I’m afraid someone won’t love me before they see the truth of what’s happening.

So I sTay single, hidden.  I stay safe, protected but alone.  I guess this means my post yesterday sounds like a complete lie. I meant my post yesterday when I wrote it.  Part of me just doesn’t feel ready, but the other part is just scarred.   We all have scars. We all have some regrets, pains and hurts. I have them too and they scare me and make me fearful to date. However I also have multiple sclerosis. I also have a disease with an unknown path. I have a disease that might end with catheters, depends, wheelchairs and total care . How do you start dating someone with that knowledge? Who wants to start dating that personal at this stage of their life? It’s not like I can hide anymore. I need help walking, I need a walker. I can’t take that stroll on the beach, or hike the mountain. I can’t go skydiving or biking. I can barely walk from my car into the restaurant. How do you first date with that? Who would date someone like that?  That’s why I always say have you read my profile, are you aware I have multiple sclerosis? Most people walk away, as expected. Who wants to date someone with multiple sclerosis?

i must add this, I started to cry after this post was published watching Nashville, shocking. I realized I finally admitted a truth here about my fears. That is step one and I’m ok with that.