Feeling Lonely

Feeling Lonely

I have something to admit it. You might see it as slightly pathetic. I see it as a loss. I feel very lonely since Marshmallow died. I didn’t even realize what I was feeling until my daughter left for the night and came back. It wasn’t because she was gone, as silly as it sounds, it’s when she came home. My Zoey missed her and wanted to be with her. So she spent time with my daughter, so sweet. I was in my chair in the living room alone.

You see Zoey loves everyone. When my aid is in the kitchen, Zoey is in the kitchen. When my daughter is around she follows her around. When anyone comes into the house, Zoey loves to go with them. She is all over, it is what makes Zoey so sweet and endearing. My Marshmallow has interest in people but after greeting anyone he was ALWAYS back to me. He might not be on my lap all day but he was never far from wherever I was. He’d only be in my daughter’s room if Zoey was on my lap and it was bedtime. Marshmallow very rarely left me.

My Boomer didn’t really leave either until bedtime. He was a big fan of the bed. He wasn’t as affectionate as Marshmallow but he was always in the room I was in. Boomer kept an eye out. When Boomer passed I cried for months. It’s been years and I can still tear up. With Marshy I didn’t cry as long but the sense of sadness is so different. I’m in more of a depression. I feel so lonely without him.

I’ll never have another dog like either Boomer or Marshmallow. Even Zoey, my beautiful sweet Zoey, they’ll never be another dog like her. It hurts so much because both Boomer and Marshmallow were my dogs, my boys. It was devastating when I lost Boomer. I knew losing Marshmallow would be just as bad I just never realized how lonely the house would feel when both of them were gone.

4 thoughts on “Feeling Lonely

  1. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I’ve been reading your posts, but I’ve been sick after the Ocrevus infusion so this is the first day I’ve felt well enough to write. I’ve been wanting to say that for days though.
    I’m generally a cat lady, that is to say, I’ve only ever had cats, but I love dogs too.Over the past 7 years, I’ve lost my two babies that I had raised from kitten hood. Cameron was with me for 17 years and his sister Bella stayed for 19. She passed away in my arms before the vet was able to get to the house to help. It was one of the most gut wrenching horrible moments of my life.
    That was a little more than 2 years ago and even writing about it now, my gut clenches and I start to tear up. I have two other fur-babies now that I love just as much but differently because they’re very different little souls. Neither one of them clings to me like Cameron did or sleeps on me the way Bella did. They aren’t as cuddly, don’t allow me to pick them up, they’re very independent animals where Cam and Bella were not. It’s difficult to adjust. And sometimes I look at Sebastian and wish he had just a little bit more of the magic that Cameron had, but no other cat will ever be my boy. Not in the same way, anyhow. My heart is forever changed.
    I guess what I’m trying to say with this incredibly long comment, is that you aren’t as alone as you might feel. There are loads of us out here who understand this experience and the pain you’re feeling. I’m so so sorry you’re going through it. I’m glad that you’re writing about it and reaching out though.
    Take care, there are better tomorrows coming, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.
    Sending love and light your way

    1. First I’m sorry you felt sick after Ocrevus. I know everyone reacts differently with these MS drugs which is why I try to write as much as I can about my experiences. It can flatten people out for the count and I’ve heard that numerous times although I think it is the steroids more than the drug that throws people especially if they haven’t taken steroids infusion. Steroids are an evil drug with tough side effects. That was what messed me up more than the Ocrevus or Rituxan in the beginning.
      Second THANK YOU. I appreciate that you understood what I was trying to say. I feel like even though I just lost Marshy, the loss of Boomer became just as noticeable again too. They were almost like a package and now the loss is so big.
      I had cats too for a long time. I had 5 when I got divorced. 3 stayed with me and my Boomer and 2 went with my ex husband. My oldest died at 16. Unfortunately my two boys died young at 8 and 9. The truth is I am allergic to cats but I loved animals and I wasn’t allowed a dog in my first apartment so I got cats. When my last passed I stayed with the dogs. I should write about them, don’t know why I haven’t. I talk about them all the time.

      1. OMG , I HATE steroids. I’ve never once gotten any benefit from them. In fact, they gave me diabetes. The first time I was given them for a flare, after the second day, I came home from the infusion and I was so thirsty. I drank like 4 gallons of water within about 3 hours. Then my (almost ex) husband said I was speaking nonsense (I don’t remember that part) and I was arguing with him about going to the ER and even though I was spacey, I kept trying to tell him I could drive myself. (He didn’t let me.)
        So we got to the ER and I was apparently still pretty weird. I kept apologizing to everyone for wasting their time. When they checked my blood sugar it was up to 750 and climbing (for reference, if you don’t know a healthy blood sugar is between 90-100) It got up to 800 something before they finally got it to start coming down again. The doctor was amazed I was still conscious, he said most people fall into a coma with numbers that high. Some die. I was in critical care for a week and a half and it trashed my pancreas so now I’m on insulin forever.
        I never did get the supposed benefits from them.
        After that, I usually refuse them, but my neuro said the dose given prior to the infusion is so much lower that while it will still screw with my sugar, it won’t be as bad. I still had the sweats for a day and a half and my sugar is still pretty high a week later so I’m not sure it’s worth it. On the other hand, I refused them with the Tysabri infusions and I had a horrible experience with that stuff, so it’s hard to say. All this stuff is awful.
        But my Dad had MS too. They didn’t have many DMDs in the 80’s. I saw what happened to him. He’s gone now, but that image haunts me. I won’t let that happen to me. So I’ll put up with the steroids and drugs and eek out as much life as I can. I write (though not enough), work on my crafts, read. Hang with the cats. It’s a small life, but it’s something.
        Sorry to have taken over your space with my blathering on. I’m just so happy to connect with someone else who gets it.

        1. Please write as much as you want. I think you told me about the steroid reaction or someone did and it was just as horrible.
          Unfortunately steroids always helped me until they didn’t but the side effects were just terrible.
          I live a quiet life myself. I am home mostly, play mahjong occasionally but I’m like you substitute the cat for dog.

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