I was all set to write about something else today but I had a dream that just pissed me off. It was about my ex boyfriend. He has been my ex boyfriend for almost 6 years. He is actually married and a stepdad living in another state. Ok, big deal I had a dream about him. Once in a while wouldn’t be a big deal but I always dream about him. I always think about him. I hate him and I love him. I’m jealous that he seemed to land in a great life after he completely f@cked up mine. I spent the first year of my blog writing about him in some form. I worked very hard to forgive myself for getting emotionally and financially used for so long. I still fight daily to. Let those memories go. Yet at the same time in the same breath, I’m still looking for validation that I wasn’t a lie. That he did love me and he still cares. How ridiculous is that after all this time?

I keep a really good mask about him. My entire family hated him. They hate him so much, I really almost lost relations with them. He wasn’t a good guy. He never had me in his best interest. Why I loved him, I have no idea. However I could say to this day he was the love of my life. I have no idea why. It was good for the first two years and really really bad for the last two years. I became the worst version of myself. I didn’t even know that version existed. It became a really turbulent and toxic relationship that I couldn’t walk away from and he didn’t walk away from until he met his future wife. He ended it with me and 10 months later he was married.

I’ve gotten apologies over the years. He admitted to wrongdoings, I have a admitted to wrong doings. I really know he loved me at one point. I do think that point changed and then I became just a financial backer for him. The question as to whether he cares is answered every day. In all the time that we have had conversations over the years, as brief as they are, never once has he said “and how are you?”

Even in my dreams, he’s still a dick. It’s amazing how the dream is never nice. What does that mean? I just would think after all this time, this would be over. I wish that it wouldn’t matter anymore. I wish I didn’t care what he thought. I wish the past didn’t matter. I would never want to be a couple with him again, that I know for sure. I just want justification I mattered. I know it’s so dumb especially all these years later. Yet here I am still writing about it. I just had to get it out today.