I said in previous posts something was brewing with my MS lately, and unfortunately it still is. A quick note to my mom, if your about to read this, while in your hut, on a beautiful beach,on your vacation, I’m fine. I’m doing what I always do, accept, adjust, adapt. Well things aren’t so great MS wise, I wish I can say they were. Sometimes I wonder, did things get worse because I stopped working? Was that constant push on my body helping? I actually thought that was making things worse. I was taking tons of drugs to get through a day. I was exhausted all the time. I’d cry all the time. I just can’t imagine that was a better circumstance. However, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve become too sedimentary and my body is getting use to that life. Everything has become so hard and exhausting. I can’t imagine doing more than I do. I’m using my walker in my house now, last year I didn’t need to do that. I was still able to get around without it, at least in my house. Two years ago I had my walker for balance but I was still able to hobble around without it most of the time. Three years ago I didn’t need it at all. I use to be able to stand without tiring myself out. Now I cook and it isn’t just my legs that tire, my hands tire that I can’t hold a utensil.

Right now I can’t get up when I’m on the floor. This is a new one for me. I just don’t have the strength sometimes in either my legs or my arms to get me up. Does this happen all the time? No. It happens when I’m tired. However I’m tired easily these days. I exercise with my weights today, and once again I had use a lighter weight to exercise. My arms, shoulders, chest can’t handle the same weight it performed with two weeks ago. I won’t even go into a year ago or two years ago. This is MY biggest gauge on how am I doing. I’ve lifted weights for years. I know what I’m capable of. I know what I use to do because I use to track this stuff. To me this shows my progression. This is what kills me. When I was lifting 10lbs on a bicep 2 weeks ago, and I am now at 7.5 something is wrong. I use to do an overhead press with 15lbs now I can’t even do 3lbs. I’m watching my progression with a front row pass. I’m not having a relapse. This isn’t relapse-remitting MS. I’m living in secondary MS and there is nothing I can do. No treatments, no medicine, no help. I just slowly getting worse and worse and all I can do is watch. This is life with secondary progressive MS.