Dear Multiple Sclerosis,

It’s been 18+ years you’ve been in my life. Your like that negative friend I can’t break away from. I’ve written this letter to you before but my life coach has asked me to revisit it because she feels that maybe I wasn’t fully honest in that letter. You see I try to put up a brave face. When the diagnosis came people were devastated around me and I felt I needed to be strong. It wasn’t a problem at first I got better most of the time from the relapses I would have moments of sadness but I mostly was still functioning and able to hide you.

It wasn’t until the summer of 2014.  That’s where we switch and one drug to another drugs and you decided to really show your ugly head. It was here that you gave your last devastating blow that really really put me over the ledge.  It was really starting here that I will never walk again the same, I will never again feel textures on my hands, I will never again be able to hide you and I will never again walk unaided.  It was here that you put me into a really deep depression that I took so much steroids and even that couldn’t help me at all, it could not fight you. And even with the new medicine that I switched to it helps keep the major things at bay but it continued the downward slope.  My life would never be the same after that everything became a struggle everything became difficult and my hate for you became extremely real.  You took away so much for me it broke my heart in so many pieces it still leaves me in tears a lot of days. And I’m writing to you to tell you how angry I am about what you’ve taken from me.  How dare you? Who are you? Who are you to come into my life and take it like that? Who are you to come in to my life and make me have to change everything about it?  Who are you to come in and give me all these difficulties? Why? Why why why??? What did I really ever do? What is your purpose?  Do you know how hard it is for me just to go to the bathroom sometimes from the couch? Or how hard it is for me to cook dinner?  You took away so many fun times of mine and replace all them with obstacles and challenges.   Every day is a struggle for me to some degree either it’s some task, some movement, some kind of obstacle.  And I’m supposed to write you a letter and say I love you let’s be friends, I don’t think so. Yet here you are fully integrated into my life 18 years plus not getting ready to leave anytime soon and I have to learn to Live with you.  Yes the first letter I wrote was much more positive much more in the light of what it’s going to show me making me a stronger person blah, blah, blah. But the truth is you really suck. And I know you’re here for good and I know your not going anywhere but F-YOU MS.  Now we can live in harmony that I’ve taken my anger out for the first time ever on the appropriate person which is not Jamie. I am not you, you are not me, you are a part of me that I can’t control that but you do not control me and you never have that’s what always made me stronger. That’s where MY will always came from. And that’s where MY will always comes from.  So if you’re sticking around MS which I believe you are you can damage my body but never my will. That is mine. I will fight until the end.

Love,

Jamie