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At the time I probably meant when I said all that positivity stuff but it didn’t take long for it to go right out the window. I do try mostly to follow a very positive lifestyle but sometimes the MS just gets to me I get overwhelmed and things go downhill fast.  My day didn’t really start good even before I wrote that post. During my exercise I wasn’t in a good mood I wasn’t happy with my program I was mocking my MS, when I was trying to do a squat and having a problem and I fell. At one point I was mimicking oh you have MS legs can’t hold it.  like my legs were going to turn around and answer me. However I was pushing my legs in this program at a sheer frustration that they weren’t functioning the way I wanted them to. So now I’m starting my day already in an aggravated state.  It didn’t help that before I even left the house I had to go back up and down the steps two different times which tired out my legs even more. Then I had to make my way over to the department of motor vehicles. Another exciting event. The entire world was  at the department of motor vehicles yesterday. Of course the first time I was called I had to fill out a different form, they almost wouldn’t see me even with my appointment so again I was getting more aggravated. I’m walking back and forth through a mob of people no one even offering their seat to the handicapped person hobbling around. Then they finally called me again and of course I had to see a window clear across the opposite end of where I was. Again walking was becoming more and more difficult and I was getting more and more fatigued.  So I finally got done with that but right after  I was supposed to meet my little sister who is in from California and my step sister. I was meeting them at a bagel store I took out my walker which again another whole big ordeal and I was at the wrong bagel store and I couldn’t get in touch with them to figure out where they were . I had no choice but to go home. At this point with my legs being this tired getting in and out of the car and walking from place to place is just beyond hard. It’s just absolute torture and exhausting in so many ways.  As I was walking back to my house, because I didn’t know what else to do, I fell. I didn’t hurt myself but my daughter has a little nervous tick and laughs when I fall and that was it that’s where I lost all my marbles.  I know she doesn’t mean to laugh but I was too fatigued with my legs, too aggravated by the events taking place throughout the morning and totally overly sensitive and I just yelled and cursed at my poor kid. Definitely a nervous break down.

What happens to me with MS is as the exhaustion sets in and I feel completely overwhelmed because I really do have something to do, I ignore all my own advice of saying no to something when my body really can’t function. The result is my breakdown and my tears. I cry from being overwhelmed like that. The frustration, aggregation and exhaustion just leave me in tears. I just can’t handle it any other way.   The other thing I usually do is call my mother in the moment of crying.  I have to obviously come back to myself in these moments and pull myself together but most importantly what I really need to do is rest for a second because my body can’t keep going and going and going and if I don’t stop I can’t come to myself. My mother my voice of reason in these fine moments reminds me of this. After a few breaths my sister call.  They said they’d come to me instead of our original plan and they were so understanding and because of the change I as able to stop and recoup. I had to go for a holiday dinner last night and by the time it rolled around to go I was OK because I finally stopped. However if I didn’t  breakdown collapse into tears and get in touch with my mother who told me to stop I might’ve try to keep going and keep going until my body force the collapse. See sometimes I don’t practice what I preached and sometimes I push my body way beyond its limits and pay the price.  Sometimes the aggravation of my limitations just gets into my head and plays a mental mind game with me and it’s an aspect of a MS we forget about it. I did finally come back to myself yesterday I ended up having a lovely hour or so with my sisters and their kids I had I lovely holiday dinner with my family but if I didn’t stop when I did none of that would’ve happened. I was angry. I was of sad. I was aggravated. I was miserable. I was Hysterical.  It’s sometimes very hard to except the limitations of a MS. My mother always said sometimes I wake up and I can have 50,000 steps and then sometimes I can have 50 steps to me. I could’ve done the same day yesterday today and been perfectly fine. There is no rhyme or reason or warning to the day you’re going to have and that’s why it’s so important to listen to your body. A truth that I myself need to follow. Normally, normally I do  but there are sometimes like my sister in from California or my dad and from Florida that I don’t want to change or say no to and I try to push and unfortunately my body doesn’t always want to push with me. So once again I thank my wonderful family for having my back and altering the plan to suit me so I can still see everybody. I really have the most amazing family looking out for me when I sometimes refuse to look out for myself.