My life coach says I’m in a growth stage and not wanting to date is perfectly ok. I must admit, originally I thought I’d take a few weeks, a month off, then Boomer, my beloved English Bulldog died. In that grieving time, besides bonding and training a new puppy, I also got to a very good place in A Course in Miracles. I just felt good being alone. It wasn’t a matter of the multiple sclerosis, although that will always be a factor when dating, it was a matter of me nurturing my own space.
I have always closed off the rest of my life when I’ve been in relationships. I have notoriously put the man in my life (long term or short term) in front of friends and family. Most of my ended friendships have a lot to do with that fact. Part was me probably using them until I met someone and part was them using me for something. I’m not placing blame on anyone but I’m accepting my part and my pattern. I never had many friends but I’ve definitely burned through some over the years. You can argue the point real friends don’t leave but the point would also have to be argued did I mentally leave first because I met a new guy? I’m not going to bash myself for my past errors, the past is done and over. I have recognized the mistakes I have made and I’ve acknowledged them (or atoned if you want to go that route).
Besides making my past relationships priority in my life over friends and family, I made it a priority over myself. I’d give in to things, agree to things, overlook things that really bothered me for fear that person would leave. I’d turn a blind eye to my own ethics, needs, desires and heart because of fear of being alone. I would see a man in my life meant I was loved. I’d do everything to keep that going no matter how many tears I was crying, how much I was hurting, how angry I was getting or how badly I was being treated. Some of the friends that walked away, you can hardly blame, how can you watch someone go through that day in and day out? It was over this past year, doing the spiritual path in A Course of Miracles that I started seeing things differently. It was after I dated the last guy that I just didn’t connect with, that I was the one to end the relationship and take a step back, did I start to really really understand my issues in relationships. I started to really enjoy some time with myself being comfortable being alone. I decided I didn’t want to date yet. My life coach said you’ll know when you are ready to date again, and at that time you’ll met the person who will match the energy level your at. Right now I’m between stages. It’s like buying jeans, size 8 are too big size 6 still to tight. I just rather wait until the size 6 fit then buy something that doesn’t fit right.