Another week, another month. I can’t believe it is May already. I feel like I missed something, like two months. It’s a bizarre feeling, 4 months went by and I did nothing, but they flew. I have been in bed for 4 months!!!! When I wasn’t physically sick, I had some dark days mentally. It was very easy to to give up. It still is. In a conversation I had with both my daughter and my life coach, I make that choice every day. Sometimes I have to make the choice not only daily but hourly. However, it is my choice.
What I learned over the last 5 or 6 years is every thought I have is my choice. I wake up each morning and decide do I want to travel down that dark path or do I want to remain positive. I can easily give up and accept this new level of disability as the end all. Lay in bed and not try anymore. It would certainly be the easier road. I just refuse to accept that as my reality. Therefore I do try. I put on my bionic gym every day I can. I pick up my weights and move my arms. I stay in the present moment and do what I need am capable of doing.
I try not to future trip. That means I try not to worry about all the things that MAY be in my future. Yes, I might not be able to do what I did prior to this whole hospital debacle but it is unclear still. To worry about things unknown is a waste of time and energy. I get sad, angry and I am afraid of the way the future could be but I can’t stay in any of those emotions for a long period of time. Yes, I feel them daily, sometimes hourly. Then I do whatever I can to bring me back to the present moment. It might be an easy switch but I have days that it is incredibly hard. Those are the really bad MS days when I can’t even stand for PT. Sometimes it’s the embarrassment of someone changing the diaper I’m now forced to wear. Other times it is when I need something across the room I want but can’t get it myself. I
t isn’t easy and the choice to be positive and present isn’t made once a day. I make this choice consciously and unconsciously a million times a day. I still feel all those other feelings but I choose not to stay with them for a long length of time. It’s important to acknowledge them. Fear, sadness and being afraid are all very valid they’re just not supposed to be that feeling that governs your actions.