I’ve had a number of what I should weigh in my head my entire life. I’ve had an image of what I should look like. I should have the perfect figure…36, 24, 36. I don’t even know what that looks like.

This perfect woman isn’t anorexic, she looks great, but guess what, that’s not me.  I’m 5’2″ and I right now fluctuate between 145-150lbs. I use to fluctuate between 150-155lbs until I became vegan. My measurements are something like 36 29 39, however except for buying a bra size of 36D I am guessing the other two measurements. I’ve lived my life looking at thinner people and thinking how lucky they were. That their life must be instantly better because they were thin. I remember saying to my ex-husband that I pray my kid never has a weight problem . Hoping that she never has to grow up feel that insecurity. When I said I’ve had this image of an ideal weight my entire life, it was because my entire life I struggled with losing weight. I struggle to be that perfect weight so I’d be picked by the boy, so I’d look sexy in that dress and so I’d get attention when I walked into a room. Guess what, by the time I started getting that attention, it was from the wrong people. However by then I had NO self esteem, NO self worth and NO belief that weight had nothing to do with being worthy of finding a good person. I was so brainwashed by my own doubts and beliefs I lived my life by a number on a scale. Lived, a past tense word, truth is I still am there but I’m trying desperately to change that thinking and changing that belief.

I have wanted to weigh 120, that was my goal. After all, at my height, that was the ideal weight I’m supposed to be. Even weight watchers at my height I’m supposed to weigh 122-137lbs.  I had to have a doctor write a note to allow me to have a weight goal of 145lb. Part of the reason I can’t get down to a lower weight is I self sabotage. I weigh in see that I’m low on the scale and eat things in excess. I’ve done this “binge” eating my whole life. I’ve let the scale dictate how I eat for a day. If I was heavy, I’d starve myself, if I was light, I’d binge. I even found the vegan desserts to binge with. My bad habits haven’t changed. I know the first thing I need to do, something I was trying to do months ago in prior blogs, GET RID OF THE SCALE.https://multipleexperiences.org/2016/07/02/goodbye-scale/. Stop looking at a number and ACCEPT who you are. I’m never going to be a supermodel. I’m never going to be 120lbs. I’m never going to wear a bikini. Guess what…THATS OK. I’m not in competition with anyone. It’s a matter of LOVING WHO YOU ARE FOR WHAT YOU ARE. THAT IS WHAT I NEED.  I end this with pictures of gorgeous plus size models who are sexy, confident and beautiful people regardless of what a scale says. Ideal weight isn’t always what a number says, it’s also how your mind views you against the world.