This one is not for my family. This is a bad one, so I give you the advance warning.  Everyone’s been telling me I’m doing too much.I am a little stubborn about slowing down. I  been having a lot of trouble at physical therapy lately. I had been fatiguing not just a little but severely and I don’t know why. It’s the same routine I had been doing since November. Luckily, I had my daughter around when I got home to help me get into my house. Just the 20 steps from my car to my door to get to the chairlift was an ordeal. Today I decided that before I talk to my main therapist, I’d do a test. I always work out in the morning 6 days a week. I had been doing this for 8 years or more. I decided NOT to workout this morning. I wanted to see, is that what is causing the fatigue now at therapy. I learned today, it made no difference. I had the worst MS fatigue I ever had and a look into my future and into my fear.

I went to physical therapy as usual. I decided to do my normal routine because in my head, this was a test. The bike has been my biggest nemesis but I decided to keep it in at the routines 10 minutes at 2.8. I did end up lowering it down to 2.3 but completed the full 10 minutes. I was doing ok which I was surprised with, I wasn’t fatigued. I was getting tired but nothing too bad. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me…bam…complete fatigue. I didn’t have some warning, it was severe immediately from tired to exhaustion. I went to talk to my therapist about fixing the routine and we are going to make changes next time I’m in. I wish that was the end of the story but it’s only the beginning.

When I stood up to leave my therapist office, I couldn’t move my feet well. I almost fell because my walker moved and my feet didn’t. I regained my composure and started walking to my car. I   Made it there, barely, with the help of the valet guys in the parking lot. Once in my car, I called my daughter to tell her I needed help. I made it home, driving being very difficult.  As soon as I pulled in the driveway, my daughter was waiting for me. I opened the car door, put my feet on the ground, and knew I didn’t have enough strength in my legs to stand. So I told my daughter to get my wheelchair. Go figure, it’s not working. So I somehow I got out of the car. I started walking to my house leaning on my car. I got to the spot where I had nothing to hold on to so, I grabbed my daughter, and it just wasn’t secure enough and I slid down. I was now on the ground. Now I couldn’t get up AT ALL. my legs still had no strength and my arms didn’t have enough strength. Not to mention the pain in my arm from the tendonitis wasn’t helping.

My poor daughter tried everything. She got out my travel scooter and put that together but I couldn’t get the strength anywhere to get myself from the ground to the wheelchair seat. The worst thing that happened was me being on the floor. She tried to pick me up but my 148lb body to her 111lb body was more than she can do. Eventually I tried to crawl, but even that was difficult. My hip muscles are weakened so to bring my knee forward is not something that is any easy task. I tried numerous times to stand up again, but it wasn’t happening. After 30 minutes I finally crawled to my door. I was so fatigued I was past trying to try to stand. However to get upstairs I needed to get on the chairlift. THIS WASN’T HAPPENING. I sat there on the downstairs floor and cried, and cried and cried.

My legs were dead weight and my arms couldn’t lift me. It was the most helpless feeling I ever had. It was my fear come true. I laid on the floor without being able to do anything. It was disheartening, crushing and scary. My daughter sat with me and held my hand while I cried. It took another 20 minutes until we figured out how to get me on the chairlift. Once I was off the floor, I was able to stand a little. I finally made it to my couch. I kept her home for the remainder of the school day, in case I needed help. Today was all my fears realized. I don’t have the strength in my arms to lift my body if or when I can’t use my legs. I really hate this disease. It’s so unfair.