After 20 days in the hospital I’m happy to say I’m finally going home. I’ve had no fever for the last 5 days. My last chest X-ray showed improvement. I can breathe again. I feel like a new person. I am still getting terrible sweating episodes everyday but no one is worried. They feel it is still my body’s way of releasing toxins and infections, even without the fever.
I have to say there were moments in these last 20 days that were so scary I actually didn’t know if I was going to get better. I was spiking these crazy fevers every day. I didn’t think my body was able to fight what was happening. It was even more believable when I actually was getting worse despite the IV antibiotics. I had more spots showing up on my X-ray and breathing became more and more difficult. Trying to catch my breath was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through. I’d be alone and breathing was so difficult. The only thing that the nurses looked at was my blood oxygen which always seemed to be fine. It didn’t matter what the number said, I felt like I was gasping for air. I had coughing that would leave my chest in so much pain yet no phlegm would ever come up. I would try so hard to remember to stay calm and not cry knowing that it would only make the situation worse. I must give credit to my calm app because I used it a few times to just listen to the waves and try to relax and breathe. I really didn’t know if I’d ever be leaving the hospital.
We never talked about in those moments but my family was feeling the same way. My mom and stepdad were crying at night in fear of the thought of losing their daughter. My sister was scared each evening when she was out of touch that something would happen and she wouldn’t be there. Every night I went to sleep and wake up in such a horrible state. I wouldn’t call my family, they already were so worried and they saw so much of my difficulty. I couldn’t breathe, I was scared and I was alone. It was never spoken out loud until recently that I got better but we all thought I really could loose this battle.
I remember the first time the nurse was cleaning me up and I was laid straight back and I didn’t cough. I didn’t cough and I was able to breathe. it happened out of nowhere it seemed. One day I was struggling and the next I was feeling better. Now I feel so much better. However when I was laid back to be cleaned up the first thing I think about is my breathing. I wasn’t ever able to breathe in that position and now I’m totally better. I’m going home today. I still have a long road ahead but I am so happy to be going home. I didn’t think it was possible many dark days.