I never admitted this to anyone until the other day when I told my Noom coach and my life coach. I am sure people suspected and some saw evidence. I am and have always been a closet binge eater. I do it at periodic times. I go through phases. I’ve even learned how to maintain my weight or even to lose weight while doing it.
I can remember all the way back to when I was 10 years old buying 6 or 7 chocolate bars, hiding them in my room and eating them when no one is looking. Then discarding the wrappers in somebody else’s garbage outside so nobody would know. This is been going on for quite some time.
Food was always the enemy for me. I was always overweight growing up. I was always on a diet. It was drilled into my head I shouldn’t eat it. I became embarrassed if I wanted something fattening so I hid it from others. I felt judged for even buying the food. I use to choose a night when no one was around and buy all the things I felt like eating and eat them. Then throw out anything that wasn’t consumed because I’d go back on my diet the next day. That was how I maintained or lose weight. When I was good on my diet, I was not only good, I was very strict. It is also how I became scale obsessed because I always had offset the damage I did and get my weight back down. It was a vicious cycle. I keep using the word was but unfortunately the correct word is is. This is a current problem that needs to end.
I’d love to tell you that I had this epiphany that I came to this decision, and I did have the notion in a meditation, but that’s it. I just decided I have sabotaged myself all my life and I had enough. I have no idea how to end this cycle. I know that I can go months on end without binging and I’m hoping that this isn’t going to be that kind of scenario. This is the first time I’ve ever admitted it and certainly the first time I’ve blogged about it. I’m putting it out into the universe that I want to make a change and I want to stop the cycle. I’m also putting it to the universe that I need help. My life coach and I will certainly address this issue many times and for now I’ll take it one day at a time. I want to learn that healthy moderation with those taboo foods without it becoming a binge fest. Thank you for listening to my confession.