Processing Feelings

Processing Feelings

I have to say I feel sad. I didn’t want to do much this weekend. I didn’t really want to talk much this weekend. I kind of wanted to hide away. My uncle’s death, my friend’s son, my friend’s sister, it all happened within two weeks of each other. So much sadness. I was so sad for my friends but my uncle hit me really hard. I didn’t want to talk about it the other blog because I wanted to say how great he was. The truth was I was triggered in so many ways when he died.

He went into the hospital with a pneumonia. Every time I heard news about him, it brought up my time I was in the hospital. There were many nights I was either having severe chills, high fever or sweating feeling scared and alone. I had so many times I tried to cough up some phlegm that would get caught in my throat. I’d choke until I could get the phlegm moving. By the time someone came into my room after I pressed the call bell the incident was over. My blood oxygen levels were always ok again. I never had to wear a constant vitals monitor because those O2 levels were never a concern, at least to the doctors. They weren’t there when I was shaking after being so scared for that minute, two minutes episodes. I couldn’t call anyone because my family was scared enough or it was the middle of the night. I laid in that hospital bed many nights crying from fear and feeling awful alone. My uncle, being in the hospital, with pneumonia, having complications, brought all that back. I had like a post traumatic stress feeling I couldn’t shake.

He also had Parkinson’s which has some similarities to multiple sclerosis. I know my chest muscles are already weak, hence why I couldn’t cough up phlegm. I was still breathing ok, according to the O2 stats when checked. My uncle had to be put on a vent. I’ve already had to pay attention to the foods I eat so nothing gets caught in my throat. I’ve blogged a few times now about chocking on simple foods. I had the FEES swallow evaluation in the hospital and I thankfully passed. My uncle did not. He was also 25 years older than me. Yes they are different diseases with different paths but I can’t stop to think there is still very glaring similarities. I was just younger, is this my future?

Then there was the fact of how close to him I was. He is the same age/generation as my parents. I am so lucky that I have my parents. For anyone that has lost a mom, dad, step parent, I am so sorry. I am not ready to loose my parents. I may be 50 years old but they are my strongest support system, next to my sisters. I really don’t know how to deal with the shitty parts of my MS life without their empathy and love.

My uncle seemed the healthiest of everyone, despite having Parkinson’s. I never expected him to pass away and so quickly. His death brought so many things up for me, I need time to process. One way I process is I blog. I thank you for giving me the space to do that. I guess I’m also grieving and this is how I need to grieve. I apologize for my grammar mistakes.

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