I had a really good final physical therapy session on Monday. I walked further than I walked all this year. Where I am walking to, I don’t know. I have come a long way since coming home from the hospital. Still not where I was. I think some of the disability changes I can live with easily. Some are demoralizing and as an 50 year old woman, they came to fast. Multiple sclerosis is not an easy disease. I’m not writing another blog bitching about my disease. I think most people that read this, have MS, so they don’t need convincing.
I have happily spent the last few days watching tv in my room. I’ve been thankful for a quiet phone. I really have little desire to talk much. I am making myself go downstairs to game day this afternoon. I know my hibernation is not doing me any good. I’m sure, as I always does, my smile will come out. These ladies do make me laugh, most of the time. I’m also an expert at faking it. I’ve done that more times than I can count. I am just sad, tired, depressed, annoyed, frustrated, angry, jealous for the last few days maybe weeks. Sometimes I’m only one of the emotions, sometimes I’m all of them. It isn’t all rainbows and roses.
I try to be happy in the small things. Like my dogs sleeping on/near me. Unfortunately, that doesn’t daily.
My loyal little pumpkins love one of my aides. When she is here, I don’t see either of them. They don’t even sleep in bed with me. I don’t see them until the aide shift 12 hours later. Hello….loyal my ass. This is so silly but it is not adding to my mood. I am feeling lonely. I don’t normally feel lonely but I have been. Every week she has a day that she works 18 hours. Eighteen hours and the only time I see my dogs is when she comes into my room. I even sat in the living room the other day with her. Minx slept on the couch next to her while Zoey was at her feet. She is my favorite aide too. I can’t even blame them for loving her. I love her too. I just miss my companions when she’s here. Minx follows Zoey so he stays where she is. Sometimes he comes back in the early morning hours. Once he hears Zoey’s bell on her collar, he leaves. I need another dog, I’m kidding. I’m not really going to do that. I just miss the things that bring my daily day the most joy since my baby girl moved to Maine. Too often I am alone now.
I don’t have answers for any of this. It has been a very tough few weeks here. I hope my mood is just that, a mood. I know the issue with my puppies has made me sad. I just miss my companions. I miss my babies. My aide takes wonderful care of them as she does me. I am grateful for that. I wish she remembered that Zoey, who follows her everywhere, is the cream colored girl not the black and white one. However, neither seem to mind being called the wrong name. Hopefully, this mood passes. I would like the rainbows and roses. I’d settle for a drizzle instead of a downpour the last few weeks have felt like.