I don’t like to rant. I try to keep my blog in a positive state of mind but sometimes I just am exhausted. I don’t need to do much anymore without suffering the consequences. People who haven’t seen me since the day I left my job would be amazed I would think. I have and continue to get worse. Sometimes my hands get so tired I can’t pick up my fork to eat dinner. My legs not only get tired they actually hurt too. I feel almost sore. I’ve had to really face the fact that next year without my daughter living here I may need an aid to help me. Oh and did I tell you I turn 45 in a few months. 45 years old and this is what I’m living with. I’ve learned that the tears that are falling down my cheeks are ok. Doesn’t mean I’m not a positive person or that all my hard work on self improvement hasn’t worked. It just means some days there is a lot on my plate and it really does suck. It is days like that I have to fight not to withdraw from the world. To roll up in a ball and hide under my covers. It’s days like this I need to put the fake smile on my face and pretend I’m doing ok. Inside sometimes is a completely different story. I’m sad, scared, angry and tired. I’m just so tired. MS is a sucky disease. It’s taken a lot away. My life is a compromise of what I want. It’s putting poison medicine in my body that still isn’t doing the job. It’s smiling through it all because it is my life every day, every hour and who can live with that kind of sadness day in and out. It’s pushing other horrible thoughts out of your mind. It’s facing your challenges every second of your waking hour. I never get a break to take my symptoms off for a minute. I never get a break to how it feels to be numb. I never get a break to having MS. MS is a tough disease and today I don’t feel like saying something positive.