My doctor called yesterday because she received part of the results of my MRI. Turns out I have a bulging disc in my neck area on the right side. I at first thought, oh, that maybe could explain the tendonitis I’m having in my shoulder but that’s my left side. Unless they consider the right side when they are viewing in front of you in which case their right is my left. Then my doctor said maybe that could explain some of the numbness that is in your hands and the difficulty you’ve been having lifting your arms over your head.

At first I thought you mean this isn’t my MS? I’ve been numb for so long and it’s been getting worse, could it really just be all from a bulging disk? Has the thought this is my multiple sclerosis been in my head? I could eventually get my feeling back in my hands or be able to lift weights over my head? My hands wouldn’t fatigue anymore to a point I couldn’t even hold a utensil? A bulging disk can do that? How is that possible? It’s not possible?

As I started to think it wasn’t possible, then I started thinking, am I afraid to NOT be better? Am I defined by my MS? Am I making and keeping myself sick? Am I afraid to be well? Have you ever heard of this? Part of the spiritual world is the power of the mind. The power of the mind to heal. I can’t say I haven’t been as scared to be sick as I have to be well. To really believe the mind has the power to make me well though, I don’t know if I could ever wrap myself around that. Without fully believing it, it could never be so. How could I believe, when I just fell because my foot wouldn’t lift up off the floor? How could I believe, when I’m speaking this blog because I can’t type or hold a stylus? How can I believe, when I’ve had an accident that I’ve had to change my clothes at the age of 45?

As far as the bulging disc being what is causing my numbness in my hands, in September of 2014 I had an attack. From that attack I was unable to use my pinky and ring finger on my left hand and my pinky on my right.  I lost all tactile feelings in both hands although it was much worse in the left hand. I was never able to type on a keyboard again since that time (use to type about 65 words a minute). Both hands went numb. You’d see me opening and closing them often as if I think I can wake them up.  My legs just got worse from the weakness and numbness that had been there from every attack earlier . As time went on the feelings in my hands continued to get worse. My shoulders got weaker. In August of 2015 my last MRI showed no difference or new lesions in comparison to earlier MRI’s. However symptoms continued to get worse ever so slightly  everyday day. Now in March of 2017, the slow worsening of the hands, has been ongoing, but now I have a bulging disc. It has nothing unfortunately to do with my hands or weakness in my arms, this has been over 2+ years in motion. It does however probably explain the tendonitis and unfortunately that’s all. I’ll know more on Tuesday but I’m not crazy making this up in my mind. I’m not making myself sick. I didn’t give myself MS.