When I was 16 or 17 years old I went to a psychic, the only thing I remember, and unfortunately I’ve always lived by, she told me I won’t have a lot of friends but the few that I would have will be true friends. I remember thinking that’s good I’ll have true friends for the rest of my life. At 16 and 17 when girls were still backstabbing each other I thought that was a pretty good thing. As I lived my life, through the years, I noticed that seem to always to be my trend. I was never very popular. People liked me, I had a lot of acquaintances, but I was never very close with anybody other than a few people. I would always think back to that psychic saying she was so right. It wasn’t until I started really reading A Course in Miracles that I realize how wrong she was. All my life I was believing a story that someone made up for me. A psychic no less, that was in the middle of a mall, by Niagara Falls, that had maybe 15 other shoppers there.
I’m actually very shy. I always try to be somebody else when I meet someone. It’s hard to know who I really am because I’m always trying to fit in. Part of me still that little girl from high school who was is in this popular group but was the unpopular girl in that group. I was trying to get people to want to be my friend. To want to hang out with me. To want to call me and chat. It was never the case. There was always one or two calling me out of a large group, but everybody else had 10 or 12. I always felt like I didn’t measure up. It even happened to me in my adult life, maybe 8 years ago. They say that the universe puts you in situations until you get it right. The universe put me right back and I didn’t really get it right again. My good friend got in with the popular girls that everybody loves. And where I was acquaintances with all the popular girls, nobody was calling me other than her. She just kept getting closer and closer with them and I just felt more and more shut out. All I wanted to do is be friends with the popular girls and couldn’t understand what they didn’t like about me. I’d think of that psychic that told me I wouldn’t have a lot of friends, that this was the reason. However this excuse didn’t help my ego out, my feelings were still hurt, and I felt really sad.
Doing A Course in Miracles, I realize this doesn’t have to be my story. There’s no reason that I can’t have many friends. There’s no reason that I can’t have love and laughter in my life. Yes, I have work to do here, I can’t lie. I am shy and I need to work on that. I need to work on my self-confidence, myself self esteem. I need to work on the thoughts that are in my own head. I need to start training my thoughts to tell myself a different story. I need to realize that I too am entitled, just like you and everybody else’s, to a happy life. I need to learn how to become a little less selfish. I also need to not be so afraid. I need people that can love me for me and my multiple sclerosis, and I understand my limitations. Unfortunately, MS is it big part of what I deal with daily, however I have to learn that it’s not a big part of who I am. It’s time I change that story that I was told at 16 years ago.It’s time to stop living in fear. It’s time for a rewrite.