I’m covered in ink. I have a new printer and I was finally putting it together yesterday. It has six different ink cartridges. As I was opening the ink cartridges, because my hands are all wacky I guess I was holding them wrong so the ink just kept getting on my hands. Thus, I’m covered with ink. I made a mistake with two of the cartridges and didn’t put them in right. Now I was left with the task of getting them out. Not such a big deal for people whose hands work right. A very big deal for someone of hands that do not. It took me about a half an hour to somehow get these cartridges out. I was hoping things would go easy from that point on, but I made another really dumb mistake. Turns out my new printer has two trays for paper. The test paper, enclosed with the printer, I successfully put in the wrong tray and then jammed in the printer. By this point my hands were too tired and I couldn’t pull it out. I had to stop what I was doing and wait for my daughter. Frustrated and angry at something so simple I couldn’t accomplish.

That seems to be what my MS is lately. Such simple task I can’t do. It frustrates me and then people get mad at me for trying to do something that I shouldn’t be doing. It was a printer, how hard could that of been? I think this is the hardest part of the disease for me that I still think I can do things. Things that seem so simple, and then I really can’t do it. It’s just baffling sometimes. It makes me feel useless. Like when I moved, if it wasn’t for my aid, none of the packing would’ve been done. I would’ve had to hire someone. I could never done it. Actually let me rephrase that, I would have thought I could do it, overdo it and been exhausted for the day. A position I found myself in many times. It’s almost 20 years now with MS and that feeling doesn’t get easier and the tasks that you can’t complete now are simpler and simpler. Most days I can barely get on my shoes by myself. In all honesty, that’s really where I am.

I’m not using this as a venting post today, I’m not even angry. I can’t complain and I know that. I’m very fortunate to have an aid full-time, a supportive family, and to still be on my feet at 20 years, mostly. I just was realizing yesterday that each task, just because it’s seems simple, doesn’t mean it is. That’s all I wanted to say today. I hope everybody has a happy week.