I almost signed up for Nutrisystem yesterday. Luckily my mom called and I asked her what she thought before I push the button to purchase. She talked me out of it and she made extremely good sense as to why it was pointless. Purchasing pre-portioned, vacuum sealed, preservative induced foods against what I eat normally was extremely dumb.  I eat fresh foods. I make meals from scratch. I don’t eat anything that has been processed. I read labels all the time. I eat fruits and vegetables. I make soups out of every vegetable I can put in it. I buy canned ingredients that only have that ingredient in them. I track my food almost daily. I eat small meals and usually eat two meals a day because I do intermittent fasting. I don’t eat past 6 o’clock. I exercise five days a week. There was nothing that Nutrisystem was going to offer me that I’m not doing for myself better. I am the healthiest fat person I know.

There in lies the problem. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to lose weight but I still seem to gain weight. It becomes extremely frustrating. The truth is if I wasn’t doing what I do I probably would have gained 50 pounds and not 13. It still doesn’t make me feel better. I worked very hard to take off 50 pounds and keep that weight off. Watching that weight creep back on is just killing me. There are some days that I’ve barely consumed 1000 calories. I’m forcing myself to get to eat to make the 1200 calorie mark. I feel if you’re not hungry why eat. People asked me, “maybe you’re not eating enough?” Truthfully at this point it’s the only thing that I have not tried, eating more. Like I said, some days I’m just not hungry and I’m forcing myself to get to a calorie point. Yet by the weekend I weigh it and I am the same way, maybe down a pound or gained weight. Whatever the scale says at the end of the week somehow the average over the year is up a couple of pounds.

My doctor say it’s the MS and my lack of movements being more sedimentary now. It could be the time of my life and my age being close to menopause or somewhat in menopause. I don’t know. I just know I’m tired of the constant battle. I have fought this battle my entire life. Where does it end? What more can I possibly do? No one could be perfect 24 hours a day seven days a week 365 days a year for the rest of their life. it is impossible. Plus I have a sweet tooth. Although I did find really yummy low sugar Swedish fish like candy and gummy bears. They are expensive but at 3grams of sugar per bag they are worth it. https://smartsweets.com/. I also still have a very big fondness for almond horns. At least recently that has been my craving. Still even this stuff I eat in moderation.

What I have done recently is stop hating myself. I can’t tell you when or why or how but i realized i stopped the disgust for myself and my body. I’m certainly not happy but i’m not stepping on the scale every day anymore in frustration. I actually haven’t even stepped on the scale every week sometimes. I’ve just kind of let myself be me. Maybe somewhere I just finally realized there isn’t anything I can actually do. Sure I almost joined Nutrisystem yesterday, they had a good deal. I just needed that reminder from my mother that I’m doing all the right things and this is just out of my control at this point. Something, somewhere I think I’ve already have known and I’m starting to accept.