Happy Friday. I’m sitting here deciding what I want to write about because I know I have things I want to say, I just don’t know if I want to say it in my blog. My blog,that I’ve written the most embarrassing moments, I suddenly don’t want to put my feelings on display. Unfortunately, my blog has been my place I work my shit out for years now. I don’t think I can truly move forward until I figure it out.
I admitted out loud to my friend for the first time, I’m lonely. I miss being loved. I’m loved by family, friends and of course my puppies but anyone who has a companion knows what I mean. I joined one of the online dating sites a little while back but came off just as fast. I felt overwhelmed and vulnerable. What do I do date with my aid???
I have a really good life that I am so grateful for but I miss that closeness with someone else. To make it worse my ex boyfriend is married and seems happy. I worked very hard to understand and forgive both him and mostly myself from that relationship but it still hurts every now and then. It’s so stupid. Most of my blogs in the beginning of my writing were dedicated to my healing. Sometimes it makes me feel lonelier. It isn’t easy to date in a wheelchair with multiple sclerosis and a few pounds extra.
There are some days I’m thankful I’m alone too. I have become set in my ways. I value my quiet time because I’m with my aide 40 hours a week. Sometimes all I want is to be left alone with my dogs and get annoyed when the phone rings. I am usually quite happy watching tv by myself. Once in a while it hits me and I feel sad that I’m alone. Once in a while I feel I have so much to give I deserved better than I got and life is so unfair. Then I remember I have a progressive disease, life IS unfair and I move on to something else.