I see my neuro who I’ve been seeing now for over 20 years. These appointments always seem to upset me. Not the doctor, the reality of my disease. It isn’t that I don’t understand multiple sclerosis or I don’t know the current research, I like to think I am somewhat current on the disease. It is more going to a doctor and leaving with the knowledge that your not going to get better. It’s very silly actually because I know this but it never fails I leave the doctor and I’m sad and deflated like I’m expecting some other answer. I know there isn’t another answer as of today for me. I’ve accepted that part of my disease a long time ago except on doctor days and something flips like a glimmer of hope. Then it gets extinguished.

I decided today to change my approach. This is the doctor who diagnosed me over 20 years ago. He was the second call when I found out I was pregnant. We have a good relationship. I’m going to approach today as a visit with a friend who will check my vitals and do some neuro test. He will be very honest with me if he feels something has become weaker and maybe he’ll say something positive. Maybe today I can just go without expecting anything. I’ve been saying this to myself for many years but maybe this will be the visit it works.