I work so hard!!! I workout everyday. I try to incorporate weights to build my muscles and my strength. I try to eat right. I take a shitload of pills to offset all my MS symptoms. I spend more money than I can afford on good vitamins that I take daily. For what??? It gets hot and my body forgets it has any muscles. I suffer fatigue and I can’t do anything on my own.

I once again ended up on the floor again yesterday. It wasn’t a fall, more like a slide so I was not hurt. Yet there I was once again unable to get myself up. I was barely able to turn myself over from my stomach to my side. I’ve been working on my core muscles for months now. Once again I was overheated and fatigued and all the work I’ve been doing was not helping me in this moment. No matter how hard I seem to work and push myself, it never seems to matter.

As I laid there, I just thought this is my life. How many of these “slides” have landed me in my floor. I’m always alone when they happen. I’m still too proud to call someone for help. Not too mention they seem to happen too often to bother people. This is my life!!! I do very little, I go almost nowhere (thanks to Covid) and I am so tired. I am so tired of being tired. I’m tired partially because of these workouts I keep pushing myself to do each day. I keep challenging myself to do more things or different things and for what??? So I could end up on the floor stuck at the end of the day? Where is the benefit?

I know that my exercising has probably got me further along with the progression of my disability. I know it helps but in the moment it doesn’t feel like anything helps. All your muscles are like jelly and there is nothing worse than feeling helpless. I laid on the floor yesterday and cried. I was frustrated and angry. Truth was I was also scared. I don’t want an aid around anymore than I already have one. Yet these incidents happen when I’m alone. Last night I felt alone. Alone with MS is a scary place to be.