What I don’t understand is how are you supposed to prevent things from happening? If there was something I could’ve done, I would’ve done it. What is a person with a disability supposed to do when they are alone? I just can’t understand how this situation not only could’ve been prevented but could’ve been done with any dignity whatsoever. This is the part of multiple sclerosis that I find so unfair. The embarrassment and the shame that I felt is still traumatizing me but I’m going to write about it hoping to work through the events. Before anybody says it wasn’t in your control, you can’t control it, I know all that. It doesn’t make you feel any better and it doesn’t make you feel any less embarrassed. 

This was by far the worst accident I ever had. I knew my stomach wasn’t right. I tried so many times to go to the bathroom. But just like so many other areas of my body, the muscles don’t work back there. There is a disconnect between the brain and the muscle. I was so tired and I was even in bed early. As exhausted as I was I got out of that bed at least eight times trying to go to the bathroom thinking that there might be an accident. Sure enough, there was.

I was so worried about my bed and mattress that I flung myself to the floor. That was not a smart move in itself because I can’t get up off the floor. Not to mention my crawling capabilities are extremely difficult and slow. I was trying to make my way to the bathroom which is literally 10 feet away. I left a trail from my bed to the bathroom. That might not of been so terrible if it wasn’t for the dogs. My Zoey eats poop. I don’t think I need too go further with that visual. The puppy didn’t know what the hell to do.

By the time I got to the bathroom, I was exhausted, everything was a mess, and now I couldn’t even get up. I knew I couldn’t clean this up by myself. I barely had any energy to get myself into my shower. I called my mom and stepdad through my Apple Watch. Thankfully they picked up. They were out for dinner and were getting ready to leave. I just had one problem, I double locked the door for the first time in ages because it was the first time my daughter was gone and back at school. However, the lock is broken and you can’t open it from the outside. That means that now I had to figure out how to get myself up and open that front door so they can get in the house. i’m beyond exhausted, completely covered in my own excrement, and now I have to figure out how to get up.

I’m going to make a long story short here. I got up, creating more of a mess, but I got up and unlock the front door. When my mom got here she cleaned up my bathroom and got me into the shower. She had to hand me each dog so I can shower them too. A big step for my mother who hates animals. She even took a towel and dried them when they got out. As far as the carpet, she tried but there wasn’t much she could do to get the stains out. With things somewhat put back together, I eventually went to sleep on my comfy chair but I didn’t sleep well. I was basically up all night. I don’t know if it was nerves or what but I was up.

At 7 o’clock in the morning I got up and I just cited to scrub the carpet. I did a damn good job and got out the stains. The only problem was, I was exhausted. I was exhausted from the night before, I was exhausted from not sleeping, and I was exhausted from scrubbing. I put myself on the floor and now I couldn’t get up. I tried and tried and tried and I could not get up. First it was a half an hour that I was an hour that it was an hour and a half, nothing once again I was completely spent. Bruised everywhere cut everywhere and once again naked because my clothes were wet and dirty from me rolling around on the floor. Once again I called my mom and my stepdad. My stepdad came over at once and got me up. He made sure I was once again settled in my chair with food and coffee and I stayed there for the whole day and slept there that night.

Completely traumatized. truthfully, we all were. I’m so thankful my parents were around and of course the conversation of what we’re gonna need to do in the future came up and decisions are gonna have to be made.  there was no way to have any dignity in that situation. That’s what made it so awful. The act itself was horrible enough but the amount of shame and embarrassment that goes with it is still so difficult to handle. Stuck on the floor in that kind of situation if I had to call the police or the fire department to get me up. I just can’t even imagine. I was mortified and it was my parents. I’m telling the story and I’m still traumatized. Once again I tell it because I swore when I wrote this blog full transparency. I want to help others to know they’re not alone and that even the worst days we get through. This was, by far, my worst day in 22 years of MS.