I stop talking about my weight for a while now. I still weigh in every week and Trackett, I just don’t talk about the number. I am still between 10 and 13 pounds higher than my average where I was at before I really became disabled. I still work out six days a week. I still watch what I eat. I’m still vegan, mostly. It fluctuates. I’ll takeoff the 3 pounds then it will come back and it comes off that it comes back etc. but it never goes below the total of 160lbs. I’m only 5’2″, that’s a lot of weight on a small frame. No wonder each movement of mine is difficult, there’s a lot a weight for my arms to pick up and move around. I cheat on the weekends with slightly higher calorie food items, but I really don’t eat a lot. However, it doesn’t matter the weight doesn’t seem to move. I finally stopped beating myself up. I am doing the best I can and maybe one day it will come off, or maybe this is the weight I’m supposed to be. 

What made me think about it today was the fact that I haven’t put on a pair of jeans in ages. The last time I did didn’t go well for other reasons and I overheated. My problem with jeans is I can’t do buttons. Therefore all my jeans I would have to have a big enough where I can pull them down and pick them up without having to unbuttoned anything. I haven’t tried on many of my jeans to see if I could still get them on. There was no point with Covid, where was I going? Why would I try to make my life more difficult when I was home. The truth is though, why would I even make my life more difficult when I’m out? I need to rethink what I should be wearing when I go out that provides me with the easiest wardrobe for the bathroom access as well as cuteness. I may have to say goodbye to jeans and hello to summer dresses or skirts and loose fitting pull up pants that aren’t sweats.

This is what was going through my mind as I was working out this morning. I looked down at my stomach that looked bloated and fat. I weigh in every Saturday morning so I know that the scale just showed 163.2. On the higher side but still exactly where I’ve been for the last three or four years. Everything should still fit the same because my weight is technically the same but I don’t feel the same. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see someone so much larger. Than a picture will come up when I was at my thinnest (and also sitting down) and I realized I wasn’t as thin as I thought. Sitting down is not a flattering look and I’m always sitting.

Today I smiled back at my reflection because I have a beautiful face, heart, smile and soul. I could be a twig or at the weight I am now and those things don’t change. I am me doing the best I can. It’s not about what jeans I’m wearing, it’s a matter of that smile that’s on my face.