I have multiple sclerosis. Sometimes this disease makes it so difficult. I pray for a day that everything wasn’t so hard. Yet one day I’ll look back at days the way I am now wishing I could have these back. That’s the thing, I know in time, it will be worse. That’s a truly sobering thought, knowing for sure my MS will be worse. People ask how I have such a positive attitude, with the real knowledge I live with, if I dwelled on the bad, I’d never have a happy moment. Instead I see things differently. I have to for my own sanity. Trust me I am not trying to prove any point or be a poster child for positivity I need to look outside of my symptoms and diagnosis to live my life. Otherwise it can, and probably will, swallow you whole.

There are no days off from my MS symptoms. I get no breaks. I get no relief. I will never feel things in my hands or on my skin as I once did more years ago than I can remember. I will never walk without the assistance of some aid if I can continue to walk at all. I will always be abnormally tired after a long day or from doing almost nothing on a bad day. I have a very tough disease. Even if there are breakthroughs, the chance that they would still be able to help me gets slimmer and slimmer with each passing year.

Yet I sit here with Minx in my lap and Zoey on my shoulder. All I can do is be concerned for my Zoey because she hasn’t been eating. She was being very picky before I went away but would always finally eat. When I went away she stopped eating. I came back and she still wouldn’t eat. I took her to the vet and thankfully her blood work came back fine so now it looks to be a behavioral issue. I was able to get her to eat a little by feeding her by hand. She has consumed all my thoughts and worries. Between her and my worries and thoughts of my daughter Mikayla, my brain is significantly occupied. I am usually the last person on my list that I worry about.

Having MS for 23 years now has definitely taking a toll on my psyche. I’ve learned how to smile my way through all of it. I show very little frustration and even less sadness. There’s actually very little I let people see. I have learned how to mask most of my feelings when it comes to MS. It is easier for me to focus on other people and less on myself. I know my MS issues and the reality of my situation. I am the last person that needs a reminder. So when I put a smile on my face and I focus on other things it is because my situation isn’t changing. I can’t sit and dwell on having MS. If people see that as positive, great, truth is I just don’t have any other choice.