I had physical therapy again yesterday which once again ended up disappointing. I walked less than I ever walked in these sessions of PT. I woke up feeling good. I did my normal morning routine. I felt good and then I started getting tired. Therapy was at 12 and by that time I was already feeling fatigued. I was determined to walk but my body wasn’t matching my will. It was pathetic and frustrating from the first step.

Why??? This is a very typical pattern I’ve seen and followed in therapy. I start off so strong. It fills me with hope for achieving my personal goals with multiple sclerosis. Then I never do better than that again? I never actually get stronger. Why??? When I did therapy outside my house I’d have similar patterns. My program would be made and it would start becoming almost “easy”. One day I would do the program and it would exhaust me. Thinking it was a fluke I’d try again and again until I finally start taking things out of the program. My therapist at that time use to always explain it as the weather changes, winter to spring or spring to summer. However this pattern was a constant in the years I was with this therapy group. https://multipleexperiences.org/2019/04/09/weather-change-changes-ms-symptom/.

The truth is, weather or not, I don’t remember getting the strength back. I know I consistently get worse each year. I know my thoughts to walk again might be delusional. I know my constant persistence isn’t always the best for my body. I know all of this but I still get so frustrated by days when my body doesn’t meet my heads expectations.

My PT therapist now commends me all the time for my “refusal to quit” attitude. He said you would be the first patient I’d ever worry about pushing too hard because you would gladly push too. It’s a compliment because he knows that I have that attitude and drive. He treats many people that once they are in a wheelchair they have quit trying. Obviously that is not me. However I am also his extreme other way being angry when I can’t complete a task. That frustration takes a toll on me mentally. It isn’t just the physical failing of my body. I have to mentally accept when I can’t do something I was doing great weeks before. That is just as hard or even harder than the physical. I can sleep and some of my energy may return but the failure hasn’t changed a bit. Is it weather? Is it my multiple sclerosis just worsening, I don’t have a clue. I just keep trying every day pushing myself and hoping for the best.