Tuesday was a beautiful day outside. I was able to once again open windows and let some fresh air flow through the house. A rare thing in the second week of November. This is my favorite time of year. I think I have a blog post every fall saying just that. I love that there are still boats in the water. I love losing myself watching the water as the boats pass. It is always my peaceful place. The nice weather is just prolonging the boats still being able to go out. As much as I love the crisp fall weather, I definitely don’t mind the unseasonably nice day.
I’ve been lost in my thoughts lately. I don’t know if it’s because I’m turning 50 in a few weeks or just things are weighing on my mind these days. When my mother turned 50, we had a surprise party for her. I remember it so vividly. I was married at the time but I didn’t have my daughter yet. How is it that something that happened 25 years ago can feel both so long ago and like yesterday all at once? I know I never thought of my 50th birthday at any point during that party. Yet here I am turning 50 and so much has changed in 25 years.
First I have a beautiful daughter who is now 22 years old. I raised a child in the last 25 years. I’ve also divorced her dad. I became a single mom because he moved out of state. Thankfully my mom and stepdad were very much involved with her upbringing. I don’t think I could have done it without the help of my family. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis a year and a few months after my mom’s surprise party. I have spent almost half my life dealing with a chronic disease that has never really given me free space. Between MS and raising a daughter I was very lucky I had a wonderful family happy to help whenever they could.
I worked in a job I loved and hated. I was good at my job and I knew it although I didn’t get any real accolades. I learned a lot of useful information about insurance and Medicaid. I used my knowledge to help people on the outside so they wouldn’t get taken advantage of by lawyers. I just never realized it was going to actually help me at some point in time. I went to work every day. I struggled for many years, medicating myself to just survive the day. Finally giving in and submitting to disability. That was certainly a big change in life. Working 9-5 Monday-Friday to nothing. It sounds nice but it is a big life adjustment and it wasn’t an easy adjustment. I was scared. I didn’t know what my place in the world was going to be when I didn’t have anything or anywhere to be. So I started a blog.
Now my life is in this great condo. I have this view that I love and love getting lost in. It is the perfect set up for me and my disability. My disability, well that I would love a vacation from even for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, that isn’t going to happen. It is difficult when everything is hard and or exhausting. In the last 25 years that is the one thing that has shaped my life and has had the biggest impact, other than my daughter. However my illness has been the challenge that has forever change me as a person. I wake up every day hoping today will just be not to bad. That is where I am 25 years after my mom’s 50th surprise party. I certainly never thought this would be where I’d be at 50. Want to know the truth, it could be worse. I wake up each day and that alone is a great thing. I’m here turning 50!!! Life isn’t perfect but it is mine.