I had a really good birthday day. I woke in a very cheery. I just stayed that way all day. How could I not? Every second I was either on the phone with someone wishing me the best or answering a text. I felt so loved. I was exhausted by the end of the evening from talking. However, I just felt enveloped in a gigantic heart bubble. It was pretty amazing. Worth turning 50. On Tuesday, my aide was off and I had a really nice quiet day. I think even the puppies needed the rest. I enjoyed just snuggling together on the comfy chair.
I finally figured something out recently. I feel fine. The spasticity doesn’t cause me actual pain. It causes my muscles to be stiff but not hurt. Sometimes my upper back can get super tight that can lead to migraines. Sometimes that can be extremely uncomfortable but not necessarily cause pain. I can be fatigued, it happens often. Fatigue makes me exhausted but doesn’t make me feel achy or pained. So, when you asked me how do I feel? I feel fine. If anything my sensory nerves are so off that I feel nothing. It’s just that everything I do is difficult. Everything I do is so hard. Everything I do is a production. Everything I do is 1000 times harder than it should be. There is no such thing as a simple task anymore. I have to plan even my shower. So much energy is needed for everything I want to do in a day that I truly have to decide and plan. Nothing can be sprung on me anymore. Spontaneity is no more.
I am at my best first thing in the morning so I tend to try to get everything done early. I spend the afternoon relaxing or recovering depending on how you look at it. All I can say is when going to the bathroom is always a10 minute event for you, then you might understand how I “feel”. I feel fine, my life is just one difficult thing after another. I am robbed of energy doing the most mundane things. Nothing is easy anymore. That is what is tough about MS daily. It never changes, never gets easier. I never get a break. Sigh. When you ask how I feel, I feel fine. I’m not lying to you. You are just not asking the right question for me to have to give a real answer.