You know when you can wake up and know it’s gonna be a bad day? I’ve been on the floor four times already today and it wasn’t from falling. It was for my hands knocking things over and I had to find them to pick him up. I woke up upset because at 4 o’clock in the morning I had an accident. This is the third time that it’s happened while I was asleep.WTF???? Is this going to be something new that I have to deal with? No wonder I stopped looking for somebody, now I remember. It wasn’t just because I didn’t want to be hurt again, it was because who the hell is going to take on this shit? What kind a guy is going to accept this without loving me first? Who is going to accept this from the beginning? That’s why I stopped.
I used to try to hide it except for the walking and make it like that was it, that was all that was wrong. I try to hide that the the bathroom issues, the twitches and all the rest of it because in the first few months you could. I’ll be setting up the relationship on a lie. I also was exhausting myself because the dating was so much for me. Yet I don’t want to be alone. I want to find that person because I am worth it. I’m more than a MS. I’m a good person with a kind heart, beautiful face and a positive attitude, most of the time. To learn all that you have to except the MS. That’s a tough thing for someone to do from the beginning. That’s why I gave up. That’s why I stopped looking.
How do you ever explain it? I just can’t. There are some guys that accept the walking and I met some guys that are truly nice and caring about it, but I’m not attracted to them. So should I settle? Be with the ones that I’m not attracted to because they’ll except MS? That’s doesn’t seem right either. I’m looking for a happy medium somewhere. I’m ready to try again, I realize that and than my accident last night happened and I’m just like, HOW am I going to find my Mr. Right? How do you do this? How does another person understand from the beginning of a relationship that you have a chronic disease? How do you find love amongst the embarrassment of these symptoms?
My only answer to all of this is FAITH. Faith that there is a guy who is willing and caring. Faith that there’s a guy that understands my heart as well as my disease. Faith that the universe has a bigger plan than I can see. Most of all faith that I am worth more than this disease and another person is going to see that and love me for it.