This morning I was watching people get in their cars and head out for work. There was a part of me that was jealous. Jealous that their life was easy in a way mine wasn’t. I stopped working three years ago. Since then I had to get an aid to assist me 5 days a week, I’m in a wheelchair when I leave my house and I now drive a handicap vehicle. That’s a big change from the days when I worked.
The last year working, even though I worked from home 2 days a week, was so hard for me. My mom spent many drives home on the phone with me crying from exhaustion. I look back on that last year wondering how I pushed through it. It was at a doctors appointment that he saw that decline in my appearance and motor skills that he said enough and put me immediately out on sick leave. Unfortunately I never bounced back with any strength or healing even after steroids. I continued to decline and my short term leave became long term permanent disability. I just hit my 18 year of being diagnosed with MS then. I was fortunate to be as strong as I was for as long as I was.
As I watched the people getting in their cars this morning, i realized they were doing something I couldn’t do anymore. My body has limits and working an 8 hour day is way beyond that limit. I can’t even last at the mahjong table for less than half that time. My hands can’t write or type anymore. I can barley get myself dressed in the morning. I realized I am so fortunate that I had the ability to stop working and still be able to live a life. I have the support of a wonderful family and friends. I was able to qualify for an aid that helps me through the day get things done I couldn’t do alone. I might not have the normal life of everyone else but I still have a good life.