My life has changed a lot in the past few months. I went from independent to completely dependent. I can’t do the simplest of things anymore. I can’t just get in my wheelchair and open the refrigerator for my ice coffee. I can’t just grab a sweatshirt from my closet. Hell I can’t even fix my sock when it gets turned around on my foot. A very big pet peeve of mine.

I was limited in my dependence prior to the pneumonia. However, compared to my present state, I was able to run marathons. I thought my life was difficult than, I was in for a rude awakening. I wish it was still difficult. That would mean I am doing something. It isn’t difficult because I can’t do much. I lay in bed like a lump. If things aren’t next to me, I’m calling for someone to get it for me. I don’t like asking anyone for help. I hate feeling helpless even more. My willful, stubbornness, and determination usually helped me push myself to my limits. This would be a good and a bad thing for me over the years. Good because I worked out almost everyday. Bad because it was sometimes to the point of exhaustion. I never cared. I’d rather be exhausted for the entire day from a good workout than going out and doing anything. Now I’m a lump.

I did get my Bionic Gym on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. Actually I think it was almost easier than when I was standing. I didn’t go up to the high intensity level I was at prior but I was still up high. I didn’t push for a 2 hour session, that I typically do. I opted for only one hour because I wasn’t sure how my body would react. I was fine. Especially since I wasn’t up on my legs, By Saturday I was doing the bed leg exercises while the bionic gym was running. On Sunday I added in my arm with weights on top of the leg exercises while the BG was vibrating away. I even tried to go for 2 hours but the battery died after 75 minutes. I was ready for more.

I could honestly say that it felt really good to raise my heart rate and sweat a little. Sweating from exercise feels so much more productive than from a fever breaking. I felt like I was once again doing something for me. It felt good for my body but more for my mental state. I missed exercising. My head missed it more. I needed to do something that reminded me of the days I was independent. I might need help putting the Bionic Gym on but after that it was all me. I still was able to do something for my self even from my bed. Maybe I hope with each passing day I gain more independence. For today I am happy with another small victory. Maybe I am not such a lump.