In three weeks is my official diagnosis anniversary of multiple sclerosis. Today I am going to see the doctor that made the diagnosis 20 years ago. I’ve said it before in many posts, I have two neurologists for my MS. One is a specialist in New York City and one is my long time original neurologist that I’m seeing today. People might think that’s ridiculous, why do I need two? The reason I ended up with two is because none of the medicines were really holding me anymore and I needed a different, more intense course of action. That’s how we ended up with the specialist. I adore my specialist she is a wonderful wonderful doctor but I’ll never leave my neurologist out here. This is a man who see me from the very beginning and really could look at me and know what’s happening without any other word.

Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been 20 years. That’s just about half my life. Half my life I dealt with this disease. Half my life my doctor is dealt with me. Are usually get upset when I leave the doctors office now. It’s disheartening to know there’s nothing they can really do it anymore. He does his best to listen to me and prescribe medicines to alleviate my symptoms, but as far as making me better there’s nothing that can be done. So when I go to the doctor, I leave knowing I’ll never be better. It’s the unfortunate reality of having a chronic disease. I can list 1 million things I’m grateful for. Mainly that this disease has not killed me. I have a wonderful life today filled with more love and more good people that surround me than I could possibly imagine. I have my mind and I’m still sharp with my sarcastic sense of humor. However, I keep getting worse. Piece by piece, day by day. I will leave the neurologist today with no new hope because medicines that can possible help me are still years away from the market, if they get there at all.

Normally you go to the doctor when you’re sick, he gives you something to make you feel better and eventually, you feel better. My neurologist visits aren’t like that. I go in knowing this, however, I still always leave feeling a little sad. It never fails either. I haven’t even gone yet and I’m a little sad already. This is just another aspect of living with a chronic disease that makes it very tough. Right now there’s nothing that can be done for the me. Right now there is no help. So I do the best I can. I take care of myself the best I can. I eat right I’m happy to say I’m exercising again. I’m about to start physical therapy again. I’m taking a new vitamin pack working from the inside out. Most importantly just trying to stay focused on the good things that surround me everyday.