I hate MS too!!!

I hate MS too!!!

People write in their journals all during this event, I blog. Partially because my penmanship isn’t so good anymore and my hand tires out and because this is where I work out my sh@t. Today was fine until the last ten minutes before lunch. We did a soul retrieval meditation where you find your inner child and hold them close, becoming their protector. Keeping them safe, loved and cared for. Bringing your inner child back into your heart. This is all done through your own minds visualization. I saw the young me in my blue feety pajamas with this Dorothy Hamill haircut. I couldn’t be more than 4-5. It was the image of a picture taken in my dad’s Merrick house.

It was when I mentally embracing the inner child and I was supposed to tell her I will keep you safe I broke down. Each time Gabby Bernstein would say tell your inner child she’s safe, she’s protected, I thought, no your not, I gave you multiple sclerosis. When the meditation was over, the tears didn’t stop. I was triggered. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even talk to my sister.

My sister is amazing because she recognized it immediately. She suggested I might need some alone time and bought my lunch to my room. Of course I didn’t give my inner child aka myself MS. No one gives themselves a chronic disease. The real epiphany for me was for all the work and positive spin I put on accepting my MS, it is still an open wound. It can’t heal because it is progressing and in that progression I’m always forced into adapting. I don’t want to adapt to MS. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and say STOP, GO AWAY. You know what, that’s ok!!! I don’t have to like MS. I’m allowed to say F-you every once in a while that I have this disease. I don’t have to put on a brave face 24/7. It’s a tough disease for me. It’s a tough disease for many.

TLhat being said, what I won’t do and I’ve never let it do is dictate my life. I’ve made life adjustments for my MS but my life didn’t stop because of a diagnosis and progression. I mean look where I am

I needed this realization today. I do hate having MS and that’s ok. I wish I could do things I can’t do anymore. MS has taken many things away from me but it also has given me things too. I wouldn’t be blogging for starters. I wouldn’t be at this retreat because I don’t even think I’d get on a spiritual path if I didn’t stop working. I wouldn’t have met my girls from the support group. I wouldn’t be in my condo. I wouldn’t be swimming. I could go on but I think I made my point. I thank anyone who has read this post because this one was my feeling as raw as they come. Thank you for listening to me today. ?

5 thoughts on “I hate MS too!!!

  1. Oh Dear Jamie… my heart goes out to you & your inner child… I love that you write about your inner child in your writing ( I to do the same – my inner child’s name is Karen and she is 8)….

    I feel your tears in every word that you write…. the pin that keeps in your multiple sclerosis journey sounds like is heavily weighing on you.

    Try writing a letter to your multiple sclerosis … tell it how you feel.. give it an identity, a name… and let it reply to you…

    I so hope that you find calmness and freedom in your pain someday soon… I know first hand how multiple sclerosis changes our life’s path… I hope that you find an inner peace soon.

    Much Love & Regards

    1. Thank you Tanya. I’ve done letters actually early on in my blog. I have many private journal letters too. I thought the wound was healed until yesterday lol. I guess not. Does it ever really heal or do we just learn to live together? Just seems as it progresses the more it intertwines.

  2. I can’t even put in the right words what I feel for you, so brave & smart to put these feelings out there, get it out, you have done more for yourself than most who don’t have MS. G-d bless you, I enjoy reading your blogs, hope they continue to give you the strength to fight this insidious disease❤️??

    1. Jessie thank you so much love to you. You writing to me is like an extension of my Aunt. I’m better but I needed to write it out to get through it. Thank you for you words they mean so much to me. ❤️

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