Sometimes I wish it wasn’t so damn hard

Sometimes I wish it wasn’t so damn hard

Friday was a tough day. I wrote how it started Persistent isn’t always a good thing but it never got better. I was exhausted most of the afternoon. My older sister came for a quick visit with her family but she too was having a tough week. I opened a bottle of wine for her. She poured some for the both of us. One of my favorite wines a JLohr Cabernet Sauvignon, thanks to dinners with my dad, I always have a bottle in the house. However, I have not had alcohol in a long time and I was quickly reminded why. I immediately started to become warm from the wine, not just warm like actual beads of sweat forming. I even had to take off my sweatshirt in my house that was far from hot. My exhaustion went from tired to fatigued. I had at the most 3 ounces of wine. I gave the remainder of the bottle to my sister knowing I couldn’t and wouldn’t be having anymore wine.

After they left, I couldn’t even eat my dinner because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold the fork. All I could do was sit here not moving trying to regain some energy level. It was pathetic. I was completely drained. I was also sad. I just didn’t admit it to anyone. I put on the brave face a lot. I usually have a positive attitude. I think I just wrote about this the other day as well. Fighting MS starts in your attitude. Sometimes, I get frustrated, sad, angry, depressed or just tired. Friday I was tired of fighting multiple sclerosis.

I’m tired of fighting my legs not working or having to fight to put my foot inside my pant leg just to get dressed. I’m tired that sometimes I can’t just quickly shower myself and get dressed because for me it is an exhausting ordeal. I’m tired I can’t just run to the store quick to pick something up. I’m tired that I can’t even get my socks on most days by myself. Worst of all I’m tired of waking up and not knowing if today will be a good or a bad day and which activity might put me over the limit.

I’ve had multiple sclerosis for over 22 years The battles have just continued to get bigger as the years progressed. There are just some days I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard all the time. I know we have all been there. We’ve all had these days. It is getting through these days that make us such warriors. I will get through it too but today I needed to voice it and let my anger go.

5 thoughts on “Sometimes I wish it wasn’t so damn hard

  1. Hi there yes I felt this and felt this for you. Sometimes I get mad at MS too and I understand why you do. I am
    Grateful for the good days and it is hard to know there are bad days. You handle it all with so much grace tho that would be impossible to do all the time. You are so loved

    1. Thanks beep. I love you so much. My family is the most important part of my support that keeps me positive and strong. MS sucks sometimes I just need to admit that too. Tomorrow’s post will be better

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