I am out of the house early today. Sitting at my primary doctor’s office for my annual physical. Nothing exciting but I did bring up my ever nagging issue of weight. As expected I was up weight from the previous year. No matter what I do, I am always up weight. It has been extremely frustrating. I worked so hard taking weight off and maintaining that loss for years. I still work so hard to exercise to the best of my ability 5 days a week and eat right 90% of the time. It doesn’t matter the weight sneaks on little by little.

When I spoke to the doctor once again she said it is unfortunate but somewhat not surprising. I’ve struggled with weight my whole life. I’ve never had a metabolism that I could eat anything and loose weight. Weight loss was a battle from the time I was a little girl and hit puberty. I was on weight watchers when I was 12. Now I’m faced with limited ability to move due to multiple sclerosis so my level of exercise is not only diminished but my ability to just move and walk is diminished as well. I burn very few calories now therefore I can only consume very few calories. It doesn’t take much for me to gain weight. On a diet that usually consists of 1100-1200 calories a day, it is still not enough even with my chair Zumba, swimming or weights. This is what it is and it could be worse if I wasn’t as diligent as I am.

I’ve written so many blogs about weight. Ideal weight and body image are things I’ve struggled with my whole life. I turn 48 in a month and it still plagues my thoughts constantly and becomes my hardest judgment upon myself. I really know I am doing all I can and it is just something out of my control. This was exactly what my doctor explained to me this morning. She understands my frustration but she was helping me see I am doing all the right things. I am not pre-diabetic, my ekg looks good, my bloodwork comes back good, I’m smiling, and I manage my MS well. Stop beating yourself up (I’ve heard that before). Will I ever stop seeing the fat girl in the mirror and just see the beautiful warrior? I certainly hope so because I know I am a strong person who is beautiful regardless of weight. My weight isn’t what makes me who I am my attitude does and people who know me usually notice my smile not my hip and stomach size.