I had quite a few “accidents” this week. It seems my body likes to be either bound up or flowing free. I have yet to master a medium ground. Frustrating as it was, I figured at least I’d have a weight loss this week but even that wasn’t so. Oh well at least that has a medium ground it hovers around on. It got me thinking about when some of these issues first started showing up. I realized how long ago it was. I was in my house, still married. That puts it back over 15 years ago. I’ve been divorced for about that long.
I remember vividly my first “accident” because I was out with a friend at the beach with our kids. It wasn’t beach season yet but it was a nice day and there were a bunch of people out. I don’t know if I ate something or what caused the stomach problem, but I couldn’t make it from the beach to the bathroom. I was mortified. I tried to clean myself up but this was a public bathroom and was far from equipped. We went straight back to my house but that didn’t help. I still had an issue on the way home. I cried the whole time. I went right into the shower when I got home still crying. I know my husband was home because he took care of my daughter and my soiled mess. The friend I was with NEVER made me feel bad about it that day or any other day.
I never tell that story but I could never forget that day. That utter humiliation I felt. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it really doesn’t. When an “accident” happens as much as I dread being alone and trying to clean it by myself, I also still feel better if no one is here. I know that it isn’t my fault. I know it is my disease. It is just that feeling of embarrassment that as a human being doesn’t care about MS. There isn’t much I could do about this. I think the bound up way is worse and can get super uncomfortable. That in itself leads to more issues. However I do think to what my mom always says, especially for me who can go either way, “better out than in”. It’s a small consolation but we laugh when she says it so the quote makes me smile. Only a mom could make you laugh after one of these episodes. ❤️