People write in their journals all during this event, I blog. Partially because my penmanship isn’t so good anymore and my hand tires out and because this is where I work out my sh@t. Today was fine until the last ten minutes before lunch. We did a soul retrieval meditation where you find your inner child and hold them close, becoming their protector. Keeping them safe, loved and cared for. Bringing your inner child back into your heart. This is all done through your own minds visualization. I saw the young me in my blue feety pajamas with this Dorothy Hamill haircut. I couldn’t be more than 4-5. It was the image of a picture taken in my dad’s Merrick house.

It was when I mentally embracing the inner child and I was supposed to tell her I will keep you safe I broke down. Each time Gabby Bernstein would say tell your inner child she’s safe, she’s protected, I thought, no your not, I gave you multiple sclerosis. When the meditation was over, the tears didn’t stop. I was triggered. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even talk to my sister.

My sister is amazing because she recognized it immediately. She suggested I might need some alone time and bought my lunch to my room. Of course I didn’t give my inner child aka myself MS. No one gives themselves a chronic disease. The real epiphany for me was for all the work and positive spin I put on accepting my MS, it is still an open wound. It can’t heal because it is progressing and in that progression I’m always forced into adapting. I don’t want to adapt to MS. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and say STOP, GO AWAY. You know what, that’s ok!!! I don’t have to like MS. I’m allowed to say F-you every once in a while that I have this disease. I don’t have to put on a brave face 24/7. It’s a tough disease for me. It’s a tough disease for many.

TLhat being said, what I won’t do and I’ve never let it do is dictate my life. I’ve made life adjustments for my MS but my life didn’t stop because of a diagnosis and progression. I mean look where I am

I needed this realization today. I do hate having MS and that’s ok. I wish I could do things I can’t do anymore. MS has taken many things away from me but it also has given me things too. I wouldn’t be blogging for starters. I wouldn’t be at this retreat because I don’t even think I’d get on a spiritual path if I didn’t stop working. I wouldn’t have met my girls from the support group. I wouldn’t be in my condo. I wouldn’t be swimming. I could go on but I think I made my point. I thank anyone who has read this post because this one was my feeling as raw as they come. Thank you for listening to me today. ?