I was in a bad mood yesterday. I don’t normally have bad moods that last anymore but yesterday I did. I just didn’t snap out of it and truthfully I am not sure I wanted to. I was upset for my daughter Love to my daughter which certainly set the stage for my day but then just little things got to me. Dumb things. The phone constantly ringing drove me nuts. An email I was answering disappeared. My favorite shirt is now stained. Dumb things. Just compiling one on top of another. Then I found out my favorite maintenance guy in my building was fired last week and that really upset me. I haven’t really been out so I haven’t seen him so I didn’t realize but he also didn’t text me, he has my number. He just always looked out for me and helped out when he saw I needed help. Nice guy but unfortunately I guess I was the only one who had a high opinion of him. The news didn’t add to my mood.
In the middle of all this was a death in my stepmom’s family and the realization my MS will prevent me from being there to support my her. This isn’t the first time. I wasn’t at my own grandfather’s funeral because it was in Florida. The fact it was difficult for me to get around and for my accommodations on such short notice was an issue. Plus, ironically, I was going to Florida a week later to see my dad so we made arrangements for me to go to the cemetery. They tried to FaceTime me during the Eulogies but the phone cut out. I was separated from my whole family and was very sad. This death and the realization I once again will have difficulties traveling, even though it is in my state, really bothered me. I want to support my stepmom. She is a great person and this was someone very close to her. I want to be there for her and my disability is going to prevent that. It is these realization of MS that sit heavily on the heart. There are just things I can’t do anymore. They become too much for me alone to navigate.
Even now that I put these words in black and white I still have that heavy heart. I have to accept where my disability is and for the most part I do. I certainly didn’t mean to make someone’s grief my MS story either, that is the last thing I’d want. I just write this for anyone else that couldn’t attend or show up for something due to their own disability limitations. Unfortunately this is part of the disease too just not a physical effect. We can only have compassion for ourselves and hope for understanding from others.