It has taken me almost 6 months but I finally did it. I GOT UP FROM MY COMFY CHAIR. I got up by myself. I actually started standing up when my therapist was a few feet away from me. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I knew I could get up. I didn’t want to have that hand on me for guidance. I wanted my victory. I deserved my victory. I know the walking was the biggest thing to everyone but this was MY biggest thing. This was my personal quest. One day I could get up from the chair and then I couldn’t. It was such a horrible feeling. It was hard fighting one infection at the same time sacrificing something I spent my half my life fighting.
I had so many days I wish it was just a little easier. So many days I cursed when I went to the bathroom often and was tired of pulling up my pants. So many nights that getting into bed was the most difficult task I could imagine. I spent many nights sleeping on my comfy chair before I could even attempt to get in my bed. I’d fall and fight so hard to get up because I never wanted to call anyone for help. I was stubborn and defiant which worked to both my benefit and demise when dealing with my multiple sclerosis. I like what my fellow MSers said, “I don’t have easy days anymore, but some days are less difficult than others.”
I didn’t realize how much harder those days could become. What is worse, they weren’t harder at all, I couldn’t do anything. I needed help, for every aspect, of my everyday tasks. It wasn’t that it became harder, I became 100% dependent. My stubbornness and defiance that got me through 24 years of dealing with MS were no help to me. It actually had the opposite effect. I became frustrated and depressed. I would do PT and truthfully it would take a lot to not go spiraling down into a dark hole. I wrote a blog about my not being able to breathe during a PT session https://multipleexperiences.org/2022/04/22/breathing-issues/. I really believe this was my first panic attack. I was actually putting so much pressure on PT to improve. I started doing what I can. I utilized my life coach, bionic gym and YouTube exercise videos. I finally got a Rituxan infusion. I was still doing whatever I could and having small victories. I was ok with that. Then last week I felt stronger. One week I walked. This week I got up from my comfy chair.
I am still dependent, more than I’d like to be. However, I am less than I was. I am getting stronger. I am setting new goals to get me to be as independent as I can be. Once again those two word, stubbornness and defiance will play into my fighting vocabulary. I will refuse to give up. Overdo an activity to the point of fatigue against everyone’s advice. Neglect to ask for help until I absolutely have no other alternative. Do things that probably aren’t the safest or smartest because I think I can get it done. That is who I am. Thankfully 😅