Stubbornness and Defiance
It has taken me almost 6 months but I finally did it. I GOT UP FROM MY COMFY CHAIR. I got up by myself. I actually started standing up when my therapist was a few feet away from me. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I knew I could get up. I didn’t want to have that hand on me for guidance. I wanted my victory. I deserved my victory. I know the walking was the biggest thing to everyone but this was MY biggest thing. This was my personal quest. One day I could get up from the chair and then I couldn’t. It was such a horrible feeling. It was hard fighting one infection at the same time sacrificing something I spent my half my life fighting.
I had so many days I wish it was just a little easier. So many days I cursed when I went to the bathroom often and was tired of pulling up my pants. So many nights that getting into bed was the most difficult task I could imagine. I spent many nights sleeping on my comfy chair before I could even attempt to get in my bed. I’d fall and fight so hard to get up because I never wanted to call anyone for help. I was stubborn and defiant which worked to both my benefit and demise when dealing with my multiple sclerosis. I like what my fellow MSers said, “I don’t have easy days anymore, but some days are less difficult than others.”
I didn’t realize how much harder those days could become. What is worse, they weren’t harder at all, I couldn’t do anything. I needed help, for every aspect, of my everyday tasks. It wasn’t that it became harder, I became 100% dependent. My stubbornness and defiance that got me through 24 years of dealing with MS were no help to me. It actually had the opposite effect. I became frustrated and depressed. I would do PT and truthfully it would take a lot to not go spiraling down into a dark hole. I wrote a blog about my not being able to breathe during a PT session https://multipleexperiences.org/2022/04/22/breathing-issues/. I really believe this was my first panic attack. I was actually putting so much pressure on PT to improve. I started doing what I can. I utilized my life coach, bionic gym and YouTube exercise videos. I finally got a Rituxan infusion. I was still doing whatever I could and having small victories. I was ok with that. Then last week I felt stronger. One week I walked. This week I got up from my comfy chair.
I am still dependent, more than I’d like to be. However, I am less than I was. I am getting stronger. I am setting new goals to get me to be as independent as I can be. Once again those two word, stubbornness and defiance will play into my fighting vocabulary. I will refuse to give up. Overdo an activity to the point of fatigue against everyone’s advice. Neglect to ask for help until I absolutely have no other alternative. Do things that probably aren’t the safest or smartest because I think I can get it done. That is who I am. Thankfully ?
8 thoughts on “Stubbornness and Defiance”
Oh wow! I had tears in my eyes reading your first paragraph. I’m so glad!
Thank you. It was a big moment for me. Still is. ?
I could swear we’re sole mate’s, you put on the blogs exactly what I deal with ?
That is why I post these blogs. I hope I can relate to someone so we can talk to each other about the burden of our disease.
I never get to converse with anyone who really understands, it’s a lonely existence.
Well talk to me. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org. I will always be available to talk.
Good morning and thank you very much for this inspiring article of faith and resilience, dear. Please continue to be strong for you, your dear daughter and all your readers. Never Give up!!! Many of us are standing at your corner cheering for all the little successes and supporting you in your small defeats. You are an example for us!!
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Un baccione. Arrivederci.
Good afternoon. I thank you for your kind words. It has been a difficult few months. The progress made has been very hopeful and even inspirational for me.
I loved your tarot series. I have my own deck and have been into it since I was a teenager.